Catching Up....

It's been too long since I've touched this blog. It's not that I haven't had much to write about. That's not it at all. It's not that PTSD hasn't reared its ugly head. Nope. It's just that I haven't touched this blog since we moved here two years ago. So much has happened during those two years. We enrolled our boys in public high school, they graduated and both earned full-ride scholarships, we were kicked out of a church, joined another church, I wrote a letter to both of our State senators, and a whole lot of other life events. Let me just catch you up a little on our lives. We are going through another season of transition. Dear Hubby and I are moving to a much smaller home in a different city. Twin 1 is headed to the University of Texas Dallas, and Twin 2 is headed to Northern Arizona University. I have the privilege of starting a new job with a new school district, and Dear Hubby gets to tag along with me. My heart is not ready for the boys to leave home, but I think the move to a smaller home will help. I cried a lot when Twin 2 was dropped off at the airport to spend the summer working with his grandfather. He won't see this house again. Twin 1 has been working his tail off with a local moving company. He is developing quite the physique by working a very physical job. The thought of the boys going their separate ways breaks my heart and I wonder how they will handle it. If the truth be told, they'll probably do better than their mama. (Supply me with Kleenex, please.) I can't even say how Dear Hubby is going to manage with all the changes. I imagine there will be a lot of adjustments in the near future, and I hope he does well. Oh! I nearly forgot to mention my upcoming surgery. (Translation: One more STRESS factor!) I put off a mammogram for two years, so guess what? I have a lumpectomy scheduled in three weeks. It is benign, but it needs to be taken out nonetheless. This happens one week before school starts and I have so much to do. I'm just going to say it now--right here--UGHHHH! My family will survive. We've become quite the experts on transitions and survival over the years. That's just what you do when you live with PTSD and multiple TBIs and other service-related injuries. Wow! I guess I didn't realize the magnitude of the pending changes until I wrote it all out. I'm rambling, so I'd better try and get some sleep. I have some really good blog posts to write in the future. I promised to write, and I will. Blessings! the PTSD Widow For some reason, none of the conventions are displaying correctly on the published version. I'm not sure how to fix it so it is more reader friendly.

Fertilizer

Let me be honest here. I don’t always feel like praising God. (gasp!) My family and I have been through a number of trials and we’ve had more than our fair-share of hard times. So many times it would have been much easier to run away from our circumstances or simply give up. However, if I had elected to run, I would have never witnessed the beauty on the other side of the problem.

You see? I’m human, and because I’m human I am guaranteed to have problems. Here’s a freebie—every one has problems. Every difficulty or challenging time I face, I call it all fertilizer. It sure stinks while you’re going through it buried under it, but in due season the fertilizer nourishes and encourages growth and beauty.

Think about it for a minute. Fertilizer contains many of the necessary nutrients to encourage growth and beauty. The main ingredient in fertilizer is animal waste—(this just might be the first discovery of a renewable resource.) It stinks. It’s unpleasant, and honestly?? I don’t think anyone would purposely choose to be buried under it. Nonetheless, the end results of adding fertilizer to a garden or plant yields a more hardy and beautiful foliage. Many times the fruit is bigger, sweeter, and more bountiful when fertilizer has been a part of the growing process.

When we go through tough times and have hard circumstances with which to deal, we have a choice. We can choose to either allow the outcome to make us bitter or we can choose to allow the outcome to make us better. God will still be God no matter the outcome. When we delve deeper into a relationship with God, he will give us his strength, his wisdom, his joy, his love, his peace and whatever else he deems necessary in order for us to stand up in end.

Psalm 34:1-5 says, “I will bless the ”uc">Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth.2 My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad.3 Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together!


4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.5 Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed."

The point is this: bless the Lord at all times. Bless the Lord when fertilizer is piled on you. Bless the Lord when there is no end in sight. Bless the Lord when you face a diagnosis with a daunting and not very promising prognosis. Bless the Lord when things are going right. Bless the Lord when your foliage is healthy and beautiful and your roots are well-established. Bless the Lord. Magnify Him.

Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow

Gone, Grieving, and Time Changes

My husband's mother passed away last Wednesday. She had suffered greatly from the cancer that had progressively enveloped her body. Anyhow, the entire situation presents difficulties for each member of the family and even more so for my husband. He seems to be handling himself very well, but on the inside he is grieving. PTSD makes the grieving different.

It's been a long time since I have seen grief like this. When my uncles passed away, we grieved, but there was a great sense of relief and peace. When Grandma passed, there was grief, but there was a peace about the situation. People are beside themselves--it's just different.

The boys were able to attend youth convention while we've been here. That gave them something to do and allowed them to meet some new people. It was good for them to hang out and experience such an event, and they were pleasantly surprised by the number of bands.

12/3/2011

I wrote this in early November while my family and I were away attending to family matters after my mother-in-law passed away. It seems I never finished my thoughts enough to post last month, so I'll post this now.

Blessings to you,
The PTSD Widow

They have to learn some time....

I used to be one of the most calm people I knew, but lately I've been freaking out more and more frequently and with increasing intensity. I'm not sure what is going on with me.

I was sitting in the back seat with white knuckles, breathless, and crying. I can't remember when I've been so scared!! One of our boys was about to take on the freeway downtown Seattle for the the first time in his eight-month driving career. I flipped. He drove just fine, and the learning opportunities were there, but I was scared. First of all, I don't do well while I'm coachig the boys--let alone when their dad coaches them. I know I aged ten years in that hour-long drive.

It took a good twenty minutes or so for my heart to calm down and my nerves to unrattle once we stopped. I had to go get a coffee and take a few minutes to silently talk myself out of a nervous breakdown.

The other freak-out happened two or three weeks ago when we went to a huge convention. There were so many people in that hall, I became physically ill and couldn't breath. I learned that day what secondary PTSD looks like in me. It seems to be getting worse.

I had one psychiatrist tell me that you either have PTSD or you don't. There is no such thing as secondary PTSD. He's full of stuff. He obviously hasn't lived with someone who has PTSD for as long as I have. My question is, "Why is secondary PTSD just now manifesting in me?"

Guess that's another blog for another day.

Blessings to all,
the PTSD Widow

Just some thoughts---

Fall is here in my neck of the woods. I'll be the first to tell you how beautiful the trees are becoming, and I love the smells! I just miss the summer. It seemed like summer was never going to arrive, and then when it finally did it was gone in two weeks.

Our home has been filled with busyness these past couple of weeks. School has gotten off to a fabulous start, and we have kids here all the time. I love it! My husband has been busy learning and teaching our sons high school chemistry, and I am in my element teaching other people's younger children. We almost have our own little schoolhouse going on here. I feel like I need to come up with a name for it.

We are preparing for some unhappy news, though we don't know when. We'll have to make a trip to the Southwest sometime in the future. My husband's mother is truly sick, and it's just a matter of time before she goes to meet Jesus. This morning, she faces yet another surgery to manage her cancer symptoms. I just don't know how long her body can handle all the radition treatments and the pain. If you are so inclined, please pray for her today. Since no one has an expiration date stamped on their foot, we don't know how much time she's got left. If the doctor's have mentioned a timeframe, the family has failed to relay the message.

PTSD is nasty and relentless. I am not looking forward to another season of dealing with magnified symptoms and outbursts. I've been praying that my husband's PTSD will remain stable, and it will for the most part. Anniversaries are coming up which will inevitably trigger traumatic memories. I pray he'll be able to manage. Couple those anniversaries with the fact that his mother is dying, and that's another story. Dear Hubby has only so much strength, and when triggers occur it's difficult for him to conciously pray and hand over the reigns to God. His emotions (mostly anger and depression)run amock and it takes awhile for us all to recover and regroup.

On a completely different note, our twins are driving. They are in the process of driving the required number of supervised practice hours before they can legally obtain their driver's license. Of course they must wait another 4 months for their birthday, but they are driving. We've had a couple lot of "instructional moments," but generally they do a great job. Our goal is that they learn and develop safe habits. It has been an adventure!

I'd better get ready for my day. There are lots of items to knock off of my to do list.

Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow

Modern Day Barn Raising...

There are men on my roof. Since my husband is disabled and there is no way for him to get on the roof to fix it, several men from our church are here to reroof the entire house. A few years ago, our house was damaged during a severe winter storm. Everytime we've saved enough money to fix the roof, something more pressing has happened and we've never been able to save enough. Our church is reroofing our house. Did I mention how much of a blessing this is for our family?

Gidget, our weiner dog, is the only one who is literally freaking out about this project. She keeps running around the house, barking loudly, and now she is panting so hard. Eventually she'll wear herself out. For now, she is busy being a dog! I hope my ears and nerves can handle her constant barking.

This roofing project is literally a community event. So far, I've counted nearly forty people who have given their time, talents, tools, and trucks. That's amazing! It's been kind of a modern-day barn raising. We've had potlucks, dinners, working parties--you name it. People who are unable to get up on the roof have been here pulling weeds and contributing food. It has been a total community effort.

The PTSD symptoms are creeping back into the picture. With people here all the time and constant extra noise, my husband has no safe place to go. On top of that other stressors have been taking a toll on his health. At times he manages really well, and other times it's all he can do to keep it together. So far, aside from a few outbursts, he has done fairly well.

We feel entirely loved and blessed by the members of our local congregation. The truth is, we don't even know the half of how much effort it has taken to make this new roof a reality.

Thanking God and feeling blessed,
the PTSD Widow

Mild PTSD Symptoms...

Lately, the PTSD symptoms have been very mild. It has been so nice to have a relatively quiet and rested husband. I know the nights are a still tough for him, however he's been able to hold himself together during the day.

We have been socializing more lately. Our friends, who bowl with us, have come over to play cards. It has been fun to learn new card games and play with them. They brought their grandson over the other night, and that was really fun! I had completely forgotten what it was like to have a one-year-old around.

Our own boys have been out of town visiting relatives the past three weeks. They will come home on Wednesday, and I can say that I'll be glad to see them. I have missed them so much! I think this is probably the last summer they will want to be away from home. They have so many friends they "have not seen in a month, Mom!" I know that their social life is very important to them, and they are anxious to get back into the swing of things.

I have my own sense of normalcy to get back to. Today the laundry and the kitchen are beckoning me to get busy cleaning. I also want to finish an article review for my post grad work today. Guess I'd better go answer the call of a housewife.

Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow