I used to be one of the most calm people I knew, but lately I've been freaking out more and more frequently and with increasing intensity. I'm not sure what is going on with me.
I was sitting in the back seat with white knuckles, breathless, and crying. I can't remember when I've been so scared!! One of our boys was about to take on the freeway downtown Seattle for the the first time in his eight-month driving career. I flipped. He drove just fine, and the learning opportunities were there, but I was scared. First of all, I don't do well while I'm coachig the boys--let alone when their dad coaches them. I know I aged ten years in that hour-long drive.
It took a good twenty minutes or so for my heart to calm down and my nerves to unrattle once we stopped. I had to go get a coffee and take a few minutes to silently talk myself out of a nervous breakdown.
The other freak-out happened two or three weeks ago when we went to a huge convention. There were so many people in that hall, I became physically ill and couldn't breath. I learned that day what secondary PTSD looks like in me. It seems to be getting worse.
I had one psychiatrist tell me that you either have PTSD or you don't. There is no such thing as secondary PTSD. He's full of stuff. He obviously hasn't lived with someone who has PTSD for as long as I have. My question is, "Why is secondary PTSD just now manifesting in me?"
Guess that's another blog for another day.
Blessings to all,
the PTSD Widow
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