Home Again, Home Again...

My husband drove in freezing fog and icy roads to get us home yesterday. The boys and I slept. I think I was awake for twenty minutes of the entire drive. The fog, snow, ice, and whatnot hurt my eyes so I closed them.

It was interesting how within less than five minutes, my husband was back to his yelling and lecturing the boys. That kind of put a damper on the celebration of getting home safely and preparing the house for a party. Thankfully, he went to sleep and just let us work. It gets really bad listening to his constant criticism. I don't even think he realizes he sounds mean.

I can't believe how this year has just flown by! (I always hated to hear grown ups say this when I was younger.) It seems like January 1st was only a couple of weeks ago, and here it is less than two weeks away! I've been thinking about my new resolution--really giving it some thought. So far I've come up with the biggest resolution of my life, and I've started the process already. Other than that, I won't give away too much information. Most resolutions are relatively pointless. They are short-lived intentions.

Today, I've got to do some grocery shopping, last-minute Christmas shopping, and I'm going to the Nutcracker Ballet with a good friend. I'm so glad we're home!! I didn't realize I was homesick.

Christmas Blessings!!
the PTSD Widow

Apples of Gold

"A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver." Proverbs 25:11

How beautiful to consider our words in this way! I must remember to be more careful with my words so that I don't exacerbate the damage of the unspoken words people hear through other people's actions.

Yesterday was spent finalizing a paper for the completion of my first class on my way to a new professional title. After that, we left for an out-of-town wedding over two mountain passes. My adopted sister is getting married today.

I pray that she and her new husband will consider the words they speak this morning in their wedding vows as treasured jewels to be reconsidered and held onto for the rest of their lives. My adopted sister is very young and will enter this marriage as the newest member of their family--he's got two girls. She will have to quickly learn the power of her words as she takes on the task of raising these girls right at a crucial point in their development.

Enough about the adopted sister!

This morning I woke up to snow and howling winds! It's supposed to snow up to 6 inches today. That scares me, because I really want to get home soon. I wasn't planning on staying here that long. Encountering the snow was the risk we took in order to come to the wedding. I hope I brought enough clothes!

I'd better get ready for the day.

Blessings to you all,

the PTSD Widow

A New Day

"This is the day the LORD has made! I will rejoice and be glad in it." The last time I wrote, I was clearly upset. Truly there wasn't a good reason for me to post my woes on here. Please forgive me.

There was a terrible storm that woke me up in the middle of the night. I thought we were going to lose a tree, our roof, and much more! Thankfully, we stayed dry and warm and the storm moved on. This morning there are lots of downed trees, people are without power, there are roads closed due to water over the roadways and damaged roads, and people are wanting to get to work. It's amazing how much damage a storm can cause.

Emotional storms interrupt our life constantly. We never know when something said or a noise will trigger an outburst. PTSD does not care that we've had a great day so far--it will just blow in like a storm, wreak havoc, and leave. It's tough!

The sad part of PTSD is that we don't know the havoc and damage it causes our children. We must pray for them constantly. God is able to protect their hearts and minds from the damage of PTSD, and He is able to use our children mightily for His purpose.

Blessings,

the PTSD Widow

Lazy

I guess I'm officially lazy. My husband informed me this evening. I don't do enough around the house. I'm not like Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart, so I'm lazy. Sure makes me want to do more...NOT.

I'm not going to complain. I'm too upset to do that. Just know that I'm lazy and it's official.

The PTSD Widow

Waiting....for what?

The husband went for a drive at bedtime. It's now 2:30 in the morning, and he's still not home. He doesn't answer his phone, so that means my imagination is heightened and I can see all the worst-case scenarios. I hate that! I can get really mean and ornery too. I just left a rather nasty voice message because he didn't pick up.

I never sleep very well when he's gone and I don't know where he is, so I've been awake through the night. I can't study because my eyes hurt. I don't know who's more selfish, him or me? Of course I'd rather think of him being the selfish one, but maybe it is me. Honestly, I don't know what it's like to deal with anxiety so strong that I have to run away or "go for a drive" to escape. Maybe I'm the selfish one because I'd rather him stay home and deal with it. On the other hand, he knows I don't sleep when he's gone. I don't know!

I don't even have any words of encouragement at this hour of the day. I'd better just go back to bed and wait for him to come home. Maybe I can sleep until then.

Blessings,
the PTSD Widow

Thanksgiving 2010

Thanksgiving in Phoenix, AZ has been different than any other Thanksgiving I've celebrated in my lifetime. Though I'm told it's 20 degrees cooler than the average, the sunshine and blooming bushes seem surreal. I'm used to cooler Thanksgivings--snow or rain forecasted and a lot of good food. Maybe I wasn't in the mood to eat today. I didn't even have a piece of pie even though it was offered.

Thanksgiving is more than food. It's more about family and fellowship. This is the first Thanksgiving on record we have spent with my husband's family. I don't think anyone took pictures either. No one wanted to play games with me either. I don't understand that. Thanksgiving dinner was always followed by a fun game of some sort and then we had pie. I guess different families have different traditions. I have to let go and let that be okay. Regardless, I'm glad my husband got to spend time with his family for once.

Realistically, today may have been the last Thanksgiving dinner we get to share with my husband's mom. We came down because she had surgery to remove cancer from her bladder. She is doing better, however, she is not well. Her health has deteriorated significantly since I last saw her in July. I want my husband to enjoy time with his family. They do not come to visit us, and we rarely get to Phoenix.

Now I'm sitting in a quiet motel room. I'm supposed to be studying, but the article I want is not available via the internet, and I don't know where to look for it. I guess I'll just sit here and ponder all the reasons I have to be thankful this year.

Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow

November--Already

Wow! It's hard to believe that November is already over half-way gone. I know where the time has gone, so I'm not even going to ask. I've been busy studying, cleaning and driving the boys all over. Life has been too busy!

My husband has been sick, and now that he's getting better, his mother's sick!

Life is so fragile and fickle. Just when you think you've got it together, something happens to throw things for a loop! My only consolation is that God is still God. His love is perfect, and His plan is for so much more than I can imagine. Lately, I've been having to remind myself of God's love because I've been feeling worthless and that I can't do anything right. In my head, I know this is not true, but emotions are not always truthful.

I'm glad my faith does not rest with my emotions. I'm glad God understands my emotions and doesn't play my games. He loves me regardless.

I feel like I am rambling, so I'll close for now.

the PTSD Widow

Pneumonia...

My husband has been sick with pneumonia for over a week. The boys seem oblivious to this fact, but they don't share a bed with him. Needless to say, I have not been sleeping well. What's new? I never sleep really well; however, this is worse. The constant hacking initially awakens me, and then it prevents me from returning to a deep sleep.

Poor guy! I know my husband hurts, and I know pneumonia is not good. I do feel badly for him, but the less sleep I get, the less tolerant and more snappy I become. So then, instead of having to only deal with pneumonia he's got a cranky (seemingly unsympathetic) wife to deal with as well. I try to let him sleep as much as he will so he doesn't have to deal with me.

There's another facet of this story yet to be told. Our teenagers are very busy! Their lives have not been placed on hold just because their father is ill. This leaves me to be the sole driver. Yesterday, I was up early to get them to a campaign headquarters so they could volunteer to make calls. Five hours later, I returned to pick them up and run them around some more. I came home around 4:30 to spend a few hours at home and take a nap. Then I left at 8:30 to pick them up. Talk about an exhausting day! I'm glad the boys have a social life. It's good for them.

If Hubby had been well, yesterday's driving might have been shared between the two of us. I can say that I studied every chance I could while the boys were running around. I stayed in the car so I could read.

Blessings to you today,
the PTSD Widow

Beyond the Leaves..

Just in case you haven't heard, I love fall mornings!! The morning fog hides the changing landscape of our yard as more colorful leaves make there way to the ground. The sound of water boiling signals a relaxing cup of tea and time in God's Word. I love fall mornings!!

This morning I slept a little longer than usual. The whole family slept in today. Tuesday evenings take a toll on us all. The boys do not get home until after 9:30, and I always have to unwind before I can sleep. My husband finally fell asleep after 4 this morning. He will be grumpy and exhausted for the remainder of the day. I pray that somehow he is able to rest and relax some today.

My husband gets really anxious when there are changes to the routine. Even with plenty of warning, he becomes anxious and cannot sleep. I don't like to "rock the boat," but I'm tired of putting life on hold because of anxiety. Forget normalcy, we are living an odd sort of "normal." We live around PTSD because it has become the dictator of normal.

I say all this to say that my views of normal have changed over the years. I was thinking about autumn and all the smells, activities and family gatherings coming up. When I was young, I loved family gatherings. The first indication I had that family gatherings change over time was when I went away to college. I met this elderly couple who planned to spend their holidays without any of their kids. Their grown children had married and begun their own traditions. I thought this was odd, but now I understand.

Blessings today as you live through your normal,

the PTSD Widow

October has been one of the most beautiful months of 2010 so far. The cool mornings, sunny days, and longer nights have been a welcome change from the pace of summer. Though my life is about to go into the highest gear ever, I am at peace. I know that God is in control, and that knowledge allows me a genuine peace in my spirit.

We have been studying different worldviews in our Tuesday night Bible studies. It has been really interesting to learn how people in other cultures believe. The ideas that color their worldviews are different from what I've been taught. However, the truth be told, humanity as a whole is in desperate need of the Savior. They all seem to be searching for the same desires, but there is really only one Savior who can fulfill those desires.

On a different note, the husband seems to be doing well, and I feel much better. I've been sitting in the sauna with the weiner dog for twenty minutes or so each morning. It is surprising how much better I move and feel once my muscles have been warmed up. I had to nap yesterday, but the day before I made it all day without a nap. I was so proud of myself!

The husband seems to be managing his PTSD for now. I haven't noticed big differences, but the yelling seems to be less. He seems to be somewhat happy if that's a possibility. I even caught him giggling at himself last night. That was a real first in a super long time!

We have been praying about a couple of possibilities that will result in more changes and adjustments for our family. A call yesterday confirmed that one possibility is more real than I thought. I'm still praying. The husband and I want God's will for our family, and we are trusting Him to open the doors and provide.

I need to get on with my day.

Many Blessings,

the PTSD Widow

Mondays

Our life is about to turn inside out and rush 150 miles an hour. My husband has decided to go back to school, and I'm heading back for a doctorate. In addition to this new avenue, I am still looking for a job and we are still homeschooling the boys.

Today has been an emotional day for me. I learned some disturbing news and my heart is breaking for two of my most favorite people in the world. We live in a fallen world. If I thought there was anyone protected from the snares of Satan, I was wrong. No one is exempt from his harassment and destruction.

The danger is in how we, as humans, deal with Satan's harassment and destruction. In some ways, it seems that facing destruction head on would be easier than watching it come on slowly. What happens to people? Do they grow apart in the same manner in which they fall in love? Sometimes I see Satan hammering away on people and they only become stronger, and other times I see the hammer fall and the people and relationships are destroyed. I can't even pretend to understand it all.

I'm going to close for now. We must go and do the next thing.

Blessings to you all,

The PTSD Widow

Answered Prayers

A question came up last night at church. "Who here has had all their prayers answered?" I raised my hand and let the asker know that all my prayers had indeed been answered. He asked me, "Are you sure?" I nodded my head. Yes, my prayers have been answered. God may not have answered them my way, on my terms; but He has answered my prayers. Admittedly, God's answers are much better than anything I could ever ask for or want.

God will not ignore His children. When we speak to God, He answers. Communication is an important aspect of any intimate relationship. God willingly communicates with His children.

When God seems silent, He's not ignoring the prayers. Perhaps He's giving the pray-er a chance to examine the request and ask a more appropriate question. Have you ever thought that perhaps you were asking the wrong question? When I pray, sometimes I'll get caught up in my "laundry list" of requests. I have to ask myself, "Do I really want what I claim to want? Or, do I want what God wants?" If I really want what I want, I am limiting how God can bless me.

I realized a little while ago that what I really want is God's best for my family and me. I'm only human and to put human limitations on God is asking for heartache in the end. My prayers became more honest after that. "Here's the way I see it, God. [Spill out my 'laundry list'.] More than that, please do what You see fit. I know You have our best interest in mind, and I'm seeking Your best, Lord."

Have all my prayers been answered? Absolutely! In better ways than I could have ever imagined.

Blessings,
the PTSD Widow

I saw the old playhouse this weekend. It was old and torn up, but the memories were as fresh as the paint on the trailer my father had up on the lifts.

That little playhouse was our drive-through fast-food joint. It was the place in which we spent summer nights and played with friends. It was the house we cleaned and rearranged to accommodate our "club" meetings. That little house was the most beautiful place I remember.

Our friends had the latest and greatest dollhouses; Sister and I had a real life-sized dollhouse. We even brought electricity into the house via an extension cord so we could play our cassette tapes. We had picnics on the porch and brought the first wireless phone out there so we'd never miss a thing. We had a place where we had to use our imaginations and have fun.

I'm one of the blessed ones. I can remember things from my childhood. I can remember a lot of things. My husband is unable to recall many things because of PTSD. Of course he and I grew up in opposite areas of the country; but, since the diagnoses of PTSD and TBI he has little recall of childhood memories.

My guess is that my husband's memory is a lot like that old playhouse. At one time, he had all kinds of pleasant memories. Now it's all torn up and dilapidated. Sometimes I wish I could give my husband back some memories--but I know that is impossible. What I can do is help him make pleasant memories with our children. That way the boys will one day look back and fondly remember--even if their daddy can't.

Blessings for you all today,
the PTSD Widow

Faith and Angel Cheeks

A few years ago one of my students gave me a figurine of an angel. This cute little angel is holding onto a wire with the word "faith" hanging from it. Although it must be picked up and turned to see, the angel is seated with its bare rear end exposed. It's called Angel Cheeks. Whenever I need a smile, I look at this angel.

Today, I'm looking at it from an entirely different perspective. Absolutely, there are memories associated with this figurine; however, today I'm looking at how it's hanging onto faith even though it's got parts that are exposed.

There have been times in my life where my faith seems so far away it seems I'm hanging on to it by a wire. Other times my faith is so great and near it seems that I've got it closest to my heart. Faith can be such a generic word. I'm glad I know that my faith is in Christ alone. I never want to have to hang on to faith by a thread, but sometimes a thread is all I've got.

Lord Jesus, help me in the seasons of my life where my faith is not strong enough and some of the personal parts are exposed. Help me when I feel vulnerable. Thank you for never leaving me even when I'm the one who has moved. You see all of me--the quiet and dark places in my heart and mind are exposed in the light of your love, and yet you love me. Your unchanging grace and mercy is so undeserved, and I am so very thankful. I'm thankful that You are the God who SAVES me. I love you, Lord Jesus.

More Thoughts

Ahhh! The quiet of a Saturday morning is refreshing. Alone time in a house filled with activity during so much of the day is nice. I'm sitting at the computer reflecting on God's goodness on this anniversary of three life-changing events.

It's been five years since my uncle passed away and nine or ten years since the World Trade Center was destroyed by terrorists. It's been that long since life as I knew it was changed by a diagnosis of PTSD and a forced medical retirement from the military. So many events have happened since then, I don't even know where to begin. The only thing I can say is that I learned (and am still learning) valuable life lessons during this season.

Thoughts...

It occurred to me just a few minutes ago that I used to love to keep house and do things that would make my husband smile. I kept an immaculate house and always had groceries in the house. I was organized and happy. That was then...

I wish I could go back in time. My kids were happy, I was happy. I want to do what's right for my kids. All I can do is pray for them, because I want them to have a better wife than I am to their father.

Honeymoon's Over

I just got into trouble for not cooking correctly. He's gone for a drive, and now I'm angry. Who would have thought that a recipe on the back of a can of beans could trigger an outburst like that. I thought I was being helpful by cooking dinner.

Today, it rained and the sun barely came out. I guess that means the peace in our PTSD Warzone has ended. It's time for me to step back and take a breath. Lord, we go through this numerous times each month. It's nothing new to be yelled at and belittled, but it hurts so much. All of this head knowledge means nothing because it does little to stop the hurt from unkind words.

Sunshine and Anxiety

The sunshine has been so good for my husband. He feels better, his mood is better and the outbursts have become less frequent. I can't get used to this because I know the winter rains are coming. I still find myself walking on eggshells because I can't be certain that something I say or do won't be a trigger.

My husband has been anxious at night and truly has his days and nights mixed up. It's difficult for me--I can only imagine the havoc this confusion is wreaking on his body! He sleeps much of the time, but when he is awake--he seems good.

For now, I purpose to enjoy this season of relative quiet in our PTSD Warzone.

Blessings,
The PTSD Widow

After the Party

The smoke and debris from last night's celebrations are finally settling and many people are still sleeping. I'm at the computer pondering freedom, independence, and the cost of it all.

Many men lost their lives in battles so that the citizens of the United States of America would be able to enjoy the freedoms outlined in The Bill of Rights. Many men fight to regain the lives they willingly gave up when they raised their right hand and swore or affirmed to defend the people of this great nation. Still numerous men and women in uniform continue to proudly serve our country--some are unaware of what it will cost them.

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder is one of the costs many soldiers will suffer. It's not something that will go away with time. It's not something that will become easier to deal with as the days go by. No. PTSD robs people of the lives they once led. It is a disorder that no one tells you about before you sign on the dotted line because they can't guarantee wether or not it will become one of your tabs. PTSD tears individuals from the inside out and rips apart families.

It's my understanding that many veterans who suffer from PTSD end up divorced--a number of times. Not everyone can handle the ups and downs of PTSD. The sudden and unpredictable outbursts, the harshness of words, the anxiety, and other symptoms are difficult to live with. PTSD sufferers and their spouses have to make a decision every day to commit to their wedding vows. They have to redefine "freedom."

Enough for now--Blessings,
The PTSD Widow

Father's Day

I slept. This morning I cooked a nice breakfast. When we came home from church I cooked a wonderful Sunday dinner--and then I fell asleep. I wanted to go fishing with my husband and the boys, but my body was hurting and exhausted so I slept.

When I woke up, my husband was gone and the boys were on their computers, phones, and watching a movie. I vaguely remember my husband trying to awaken me, but I couldn't do it. So--when I finally woke up, the boys and I started a fire in our little pit outside. We roasted marshmallows and talked.

We decided we all need to start living.

Exclusiveness

It hurts most when the ones you love are excluded. People haven't got a clue as to what my children deal with on a daily basis with their dad being as sick as he is. So, let's add insult to injury and not include my children in events and planning in which they should be included. Let's not even ask or inform the parents because they might be able to help.

I'm furious. I wish I could be more compassionate, but right now I'm too angry to see straight. I thought maybe a night's sleep would help, but my sleep was interrupted.

Christ died for the whosoevers. He didn't just give His life for the "haves". Politically correct? No, he wasn't concerned with tickling people's ears with what they wanted to hear. Jesus spoke truth. He told them how it was--even called them names if that was needed to make his point. He was more concerned with bigger picture items.

I'm just venting, because I need to write this somewhere. Has anyone else ever been a "have not" and been excluded from the fun? What are your thoughts?

the PTSD Widow

Today

Back to the drawing board--I need to find a new job with better pay that is closer to home. We need an income. Can't tell all the details online, but I can tell I'm glad I can sleep in beyond 5 a.m. tomorrow.

This Was in March....(no changes made)

The newness has gone from my new job. I absolutely do not enjoy working and would rather be at home with my husband. (We just had a huge fight!) Even though he's a pain in the butt. I think he's gone right now. I'm done! I'm emotionally spent, and I cannot fill out another application or make time to go through another interview process. I am so sick of being underemployed, underappreciated, under everything else.

My husband called me lazy in so many words. That hurt. He said I don't like to be at home--I don't when he's on his kick. I can't do this anymore. I don't have any energy left for another day.

It's Been Awhile...

Greetings! I've decided that working is hard work! I'm thankful for my husband and my home. Last night I came home to a nice home-cooked meal and a relatively clean house. My boys are wonderful! (Granted--I don't hear the bickering and whatnot that happens before I walk in the door.)

I miss my family. I have to continue looking for higher paying jobs because this wage just isn't enough. The Lord will have to provide for us because I feel like I'm doing a terrible job of it right now. My body is complaining too, but that's another post.

I want to experience the fruit of the Spirit. I want to walk in it. The other night I was considering joy, and I realized that everytime I thought I was joyful it wasn't true joy. I was merely happy. It took a little while, but as circumstances changed and life situations became more difficult to deal with my "joy" began to deflate. A slow leak--I call it. It wasn't joy at all. It was happiness. It was circumstancial.

Joy is permanent. The joy of the Lord is permanent. I want that kind of joy--the kind that cannot be taken from me no matter what I'm facing.

Blessings to you,

the PTSD Widow

Something to Ponder

Wow! I like my new job, but I feel like I'm really moving away from my kids. I'm gone for most of the day, and I have very little energy when I get home. I love my boys and my husband, and I truly miss them.

This is only the end of week one, so my body is adjusting. I hope things will begin to look up--I have to get healthy and fit this year. Hopefully this job will be one of the ways I can be more active. I need to do this so I have more energy for my own children and my husband. I'm too young to act so old!

Oh, and one other thing? I realized that I often have great ideas for other people--such as, "You should do something little for your husband." Or, "Why don't you make them a card?" I've decided to carry a little notebook to write each suggestion I speak and apply it to my own life. Maybe I'll begin to weigh my words, or perhaps my husband and children will benefit from my own advice to people.

Blessings,
the PTSD Widow

New...

A brand new calendar signals a brand new year. A new haircut and a new job begins a new season in our household. I must admit that I am looking forward to 2010. There is so much to accomplish and so many new friends to make. I can't wait!

I am anxious to see how and what God does for us--not that He hasn't already been at work. I can't help but feel that there's something big for me to accomplish in this year. I have to believe that there is a school program waiting for me or something--I have to believe that I am worth something to someone. I have already given up so much. The real lesson is that there is more to be given and that none of it is mine to begin with. I want to believe that God has new lessons for me to learn and new ways for me to grow closer to Him.

To be honest, I'm scared spitless about my husband's health. There's nothing I can do for a man who won't take his medicine as directed by a physician or exercise as he's been encouraged to do. He finally shaved tonight--he claims he forgets to shave. I guess I forget things too.

I'm really tired and emotional tonight, so before I write something that sounds totally off the wall and stupid I should just go to bed.

Happy New Year!
Blessings,

the PTSD Widow