The husband went for a drive at bedtime. It's now 2:30 in the morning, and he's still not home. He doesn't answer his phone, so that means my imagination is heightened and I can see all the worst-case scenarios. I hate that! I can get really mean and ornery too. I just left a rather nasty voice message because he didn't pick up.
I never sleep very well when he's gone and I don't know where he is, so I've been awake through the night. I can't study because my eyes hurt. I don't know who's more selfish, him or me? Of course I'd rather think of him being the selfish one, but maybe it is me. Honestly, I don't know what it's like to deal with anxiety so strong that I have to run away or "go for a drive" to escape. Maybe I'm the selfish one because I'd rather him stay home and deal with it. On the other hand, he knows I don't sleep when he's gone. I don't know!
I don't even have any words of encouragement at this hour of the day. I'd better just go back to bed and wait for him to come home. Maybe I can sleep until then.
Blessings,
the PTSD Widow
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