My grandmother is dying. We have moved her to the Hospice House, and now the focus is comfort care. It has been difficult for everyone, but we've had some really fun days with her.
It is sad to watch Grandma's breathing and her overall health decline so rapidly; but, we've had really good days with her. She is using the upper part of her lungs, and she hasn't any reserves. She has been singing to us and remembering all kinds of poems and songs she used to sing. I have been typing as much of the songs as she is able to give us so that we can "write a book" as per Grandma's instructions.
Grandma wanted a birthday party, so we pulled together and put a party together within a few hours. My sister and cousin made blue shirts for everyone, I ordered the cake and purchased some decorations. Someone else brought the ice cream and drinks. My other cousin brought his guitar and we sang and laughed through the night. Grandma had a great time! We all were privileged with some fun memories.
My husband has been able to hold himself together. I know it is very difficult for him with twenty other people (practically strangers) in the room. He has actually been a strength, an encourager, and a blessing to my family. For some reason, my husband is able to keep himself together and he has a calming presence.
What an amazing experience! Please pray for blessings, strength and courage for my family as we prepare for the inevitable. Grandma is a believer, so that is not a huge concern. There are a handful of family members who haven't a clue about eternity. Pray for their salvation.
Blessings to you,
the PTSD Widow
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Bowling and PTSD
Have I mentioned that my family has taken up bowling? It's a lot more fun than I remember from childhood. I'm terrible, but I celebrate the little victories, for example, breaking 50, then 60 and so on. If I knock down a pin, that becomes a reason to celebrate. If I don't hurt myself, I celebrate. I have determined to enjoy my time bowling. Besides the bowling alley is a great place to people watch. Where else in the world can you watch someone try to guide the ball telepathically? It's just too funny.
The noise gets to me sometimes, but that seems a small price to pay considering the time I get to spend with the boys. They are growing up so fast, and I don't want to miss out on an opportunity to be with them. The goal is for them to bowl a 220 so they can start dating. I think that's my husband's deal with them--I'm sure he's got all the details worked out.
While I was bowling yesterday evening, I began to connect PTSD with bowling. PTSD is kind of like those ten pins at the end of the lane. They are waiting to be knocked over and reset several times each day. If the pins were alive and had an actual voice, they might reflect how tired they are of being knocked over time and time again. Some veterans who suffer with PTSD are only waiting to be knocked over by the floods of memories and what not. Other veterans feel like they are finally reset--only to be knocked down again with memories, anniverary dates, or the next trigger.
I don't know if this makes sense to you, but I wanted to share my connection anyhow. It seems funny how a seemingly normal activity such as bowling can remind me of PTSD and my reality. PTSD is never really that far from my thoughts.
In the meantime, I resolve to enjoy myself as I work to improve my bowling average. Who knows, maybe bowling will prove to be a stress reliever.
Blessings to you,
the PTSD Widow
The noise gets to me sometimes, but that seems a small price to pay considering the time I get to spend with the boys. They are growing up so fast, and I don't want to miss out on an opportunity to be with them. The goal is for them to bowl a 220 so they can start dating. I think that's my husband's deal with them--I'm sure he's got all the details worked out.
While I was bowling yesterday evening, I began to connect PTSD with bowling. PTSD is kind of like those ten pins at the end of the lane. They are waiting to be knocked over and reset several times each day. If the pins were alive and had an actual voice, they might reflect how tired they are of being knocked over time and time again. Some veterans who suffer with PTSD are only waiting to be knocked over by the floods of memories and what not. Other veterans feel like they are finally reset--only to be knocked down again with memories, anniverary dates, or the next trigger.
I don't know if this makes sense to you, but I wanted to share my connection anyhow. It seems funny how a seemingly normal activity such as bowling can remind me of PTSD and my reality. PTSD is never really that far from my thoughts.
In the meantime, I resolve to enjoy myself as I work to improve my bowling average. Who knows, maybe bowling will prove to be a stress reliever.
Blessings to you,
the PTSD Widow
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Summer Joys...
My family and I went on a little overnight/day trip yesterday, and we just returned. We went searching for sunshine! We found sunshine, were educated on the production of hydroelecticity, and we enjoyed an evening of driving and swimming. This morning, I enjoyed another swim while my family enjoyed breakfast. It was great.
On the way home, the husband and I spent a little time at a fishing spot just off the freeway. The boys claimed to be too tired to fish in such windy conditions. I'll give them that for sure--it was rather windy, and I would have been miserable without my coat. I enjoyed the sunshine. The wind made the water look like crumpled aluminum foil, and it was beautiful!
I realized, once again, that sunshine produces heat--no matter what the other conditions contribute. In a way, this is like the joy of the Lord. Though I'm not always the best at reflecting joy in my life, the joy of the Lord can radiate no matter what the rest of life's circumstances look like. (PTSD episodes, other health issues, PMS, etc.)
My prayer is that the joy of the Lord will radiate from my life no matter what difficulties my husband and I face because of PTSD and because of life. I want to be careful to give God all glory and honor because He is the One who has sustained me and provided me with His strength.
Blessings and Joy to you all,
the PTSD Widow
On the way home, the husband and I spent a little time at a fishing spot just off the freeway. The boys claimed to be too tired to fish in such windy conditions. I'll give them that for sure--it was rather windy, and I would have been miserable without my coat. I enjoyed the sunshine. The wind made the water look like crumpled aluminum foil, and it was beautiful!
I realized, once again, that sunshine produces heat--no matter what the other conditions contribute. In a way, this is like the joy of the Lord. Though I'm not always the best at reflecting joy in my life, the joy of the Lord can radiate no matter what the rest of life's circumstances look like. (PTSD episodes, other health issues, PMS, etc.)
My prayer is that the joy of the Lord will radiate from my life no matter what difficulties my husband and I face because of PTSD and because of life. I want to be careful to give God all glory and honor because He is the One who has sustained me and provided me with His strength.
Blessings and Joy to you all,
the PTSD Widow
Monday, June 13, 2011
We're Home Now
The boys and I have been out-of-town since Wednesday of last week. It was a wonderful little trip! We got to enjoy the sunshine, we had the honor of attending a high school graduation, we spent a lot of time with family, and we enjoyed a party/picnic. The boys actually got to see a different side of my family and how a family should interact with each other. It was fabulous.
We came home yesterday evening. Did I mention we came home? Oh yeah---the husband started in right away and our excitement soon faded. It breaks my heart to realize that most of the words my husband speaks are negative. He can dampen the mood of any person by just pointing out the not-so-perfect stuff. He makes it difficult to want to share anything positive with him because he'll just ruin it. How much of that is attributed to PTSD? Is any of it? I'm beginning to wonder.
For instance,I was telling the husband about my niece and how she loved her "Auntie" and how much fun it was to have a two-year-old around. He was indifferent. So, I'll tell all my friends in "Bloggerland" about her. She woke up whining and whimpering one night. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, "I just don't want to talk about it." Coming from a two-year-old, that was funny! I finally just told her to close her eyes and go back to sleep.
No wonder I love spending time with my family. At least they are willing to laugh and play. Laughing, sunshine, and play really do a body good. I'm back home now in the damp, cold, and dark of this area of the country. There are so many days that I'm ready to move.
Until next time, I'll remember the laughter, the sunshine and how to have fun.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
We came home yesterday evening. Did I mention we came home? Oh yeah---the husband started in right away and our excitement soon faded. It breaks my heart to realize that most of the words my husband speaks are negative. He can dampen the mood of any person by just pointing out the not-so-perfect stuff. He makes it difficult to want to share anything positive with him because he'll just ruin it. How much of that is attributed to PTSD? Is any of it? I'm beginning to wonder.
For instance,I was telling the husband about my niece and how she loved her "Auntie" and how much fun it was to have a two-year-old around. He was indifferent. So, I'll tell all my friends in "Bloggerland" about her. She woke up whining and whimpering one night. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, "I just don't want to talk about it." Coming from a two-year-old, that was funny! I finally just told her to close her eyes and go back to sleep.
No wonder I love spending time with my family. At least they are willing to laugh and play. Laughing, sunshine, and play really do a body good. I'm back home now in the damp, cold, and dark of this area of the country. There are so many days that I'm ready to move.
Until next time, I'll remember the laughter, the sunshine and how to have fun.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
"Edit" Life
I started this post yesterday, but I didn't get very far. Perhaps I erased everything I wrote because I didn't want those thoughts to be saved for later editing.
Wouldn't it be lovely if we could edit our lives? We could erase all the bad and only reflect what we want people to see and believe about us. We could manipulate each "frame" and add a little "color" here and some "fading for effect" there. Our children would have that angelic glow, our smiles would be brighter and our eyes have more sparkle. Wouldn't that be nice?
You know, life cannot be edited. Life happens and, with the exception of photographs and videos, it cannot be saved for later and manipulated to progress exactly like I want it. That's just not the way it happens in the real world. In the real world, our veterans see and experience horrific events that no amount of manipulating will make the outcome positive. In the real world we live with PTSD as our normal and walk on eggshells with our spouses. In the real world, we have to embrace each positive and really work hard not to become bitter and act as if we are victims.
In the real world, we have choices and decisions. Sometimes our real world is not exactly what we had envisioned for ourselves or how we would have edited it.
Just wanted to give you all something to think about today.
Many Blessings,
the PTSD Widow
Wouldn't it be lovely if we could edit our lives? We could erase all the bad and only reflect what we want people to see and believe about us. We could manipulate each "frame" and add a little "color" here and some "fading for effect" there. Our children would have that angelic glow, our smiles would be brighter and our eyes have more sparkle. Wouldn't that be nice?
You know, life cannot be edited. Life happens and, with the exception of photographs and videos, it cannot be saved for later and manipulated to progress exactly like I want it. That's just not the way it happens in the real world. In the real world, our veterans see and experience horrific events that no amount of manipulating will make the outcome positive. In the real world we live with PTSD as our normal and walk on eggshells with our spouses. In the real world, we have to embrace each positive and really work hard not to become bitter and act as if we are victims.
In the real world, we have choices and decisions. Sometimes our real world is not exactly what we had envisioned for ourselves or how we would have edited it.
Just wanted to give you all something to think about today.
Many Blessings,
the PTSD Widow
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Testing, Shrinking and Sunshine
San Francisco was wonderful! I was able to enjoy time with my sister and meet several people including Arthur Duncan. Overall, the trip was wonderful--no complaints from me. (An annual sister's trip just may be in the planning stages.)
This week has been a week of testing in our homeschool. Our state mandates grade level testing to ensure our kids are reaching academic milestones and that they are at or exceed grade-level standards. For some reason, testing is more tiring to me than actual teaching. Perhaps I tire so easily because I have to work so hard at being quiet so as not to distract my testers. I don't know about that for sure, but I do know I slept one sunny afternoon away.
Speaking of the sun--we've experienced two consecutive sunny days! This is a major event considering this past spring has been the wettest on record in our area. My husband and I went fishing on Friday evening, and then yesterday, we took our twins bowling. I had wanted to go to the ocean, but I was outvoted and ended up bowling. Regardless, the point of the outing was to have a good time and enjoy ourselves as a family. We easily met that goal.
The PTSD symptoms seem to be minimized in the sunshine, but the other aches and pains are beginning to worsen. I believe PTSD exacerbates every other symptom in a body, although I haven't any proof to support this theory. My poor husband has been using a cane to walk around the house, and he winces and moans with each step. It hurts me to see him hurting so badly just when I'm beginning to feel like I have some of my life back.
I bought myself a pair of jeans today. This is a major accomplishment for me because I haven't worn jeans in over 16 years. I'm losing weight and it feels wonderful! Many of the clothes I try on feel so big now. It's definitely a confidence booster to know that before long I won't have to shop in the plus-sized stores.
I need to get back to bed. The boys and I have a concert tomorrow night to kick off our summer celebrations.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
This week has been a week of testing in our homeschool. Our state mandates grade level testing to ensure our kids are reaching academic milestones and that they are at or exceed grade-level standards. For some reason, testing is more tiring to me than actual teaching. Perhaps I tire so easily because I have to work so hard at being quiet so as not to distract my testers. I don't know about that for sure, but I do know I slept one sunny afternoon away.
Speaking of the sun--we've experienced two consecutive sunny days! This is a major event considering this past spring has been the wettest on record in our area. My husband and I went fishing on Friday evening, and then yesterday, we took our twins bowling. I had wanted to go to the ocean, but I was outvoted and ended up bowling. Regardless, the point of the outing was to have a good time and enjoy ourselves as a family. We easily met that goal.
The PTSD symptoms seem to be minimized in the sunshine, but the other aches and pains are beginning to worsen. I believe PTSD exacerbates every other symptom in a body, although I haven't any proof to support this theory. My poor husband has been using a cane to walk around the house, and he winces and moans with each step. It hurts me to see him hurting so badly just when I'm beginning to feel like I have some of my life back.
I bought myself a pair of jeans today. This is a major accomplishment for me because I haven't worn jeans in over 16 years. I'm losing weight and it feels wonderful! Many of the clothes I try on feel so big now. It's definitely a confidence booster to know that before long I won't have to shop in the plus-sized stores.
I need to get back to bed. The boys and I have a concert tomorrow night to kick off our summer celebrations.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)