My husband's mother passed away last Wednesday. She had suffered greatly from the cancer that had progressively enveloped her body. Anyhow, the entire situation presents difficulties for each member of the family and even more so for my husband. He seems to be handling himself very well, but on the inside he is grieving. PTSD makes the grieving different.
It's been a long time since I have seen grief like this. When my uncles passed away, we grieved, but there was a great sense of relief and peace. When Grandma passed, there was grief, but there was a peace about the situation. People are beside themselves--it's just different.
The boys were able to attend youth convention while we've been here. That gave them something to do and allowed them to meet some new people. It was good for them to hang out and experience such an event, and they were pleasantly surprised by the number of bands.
12/3/2011
I wrote this in early November while my family and I were away attending to family matters after my mother-in-law passed away. It seems I never finished my thoughts enough to post last month, so I'll post this now.
Blessings to you,
The PTSD Widow
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
They have to learn some time....
I used to be one of the most calm people I knew, but lately I've been freaking out more and more frequently and with increasing intensity. I'm not sure what is going on with me.
I was sitting in the back seat with white knuckles, breathless, and crying. I can't remember when I've been so scared!! One of our boys was about to take on the freeway downtown Seattle for the the first time in his eight-month driving career. I flipped. He drove just fine, and the learning opportunities were there, but I was scared. First of all, I don't do well while I'm coachig the boys--let alone when their dad coaches them. I know I aged ten years in that hour-long drive.
It took a good twenty minutes or so for my heart to calm down and my nerves to unrattle once we stopped. I had to go get a coffee and take a few minutes to silently talk myself out of a nervous breakdown.
The other freak-out happened two or three weeks ago when we went to a huge convention. There were so many people in that hall, I became physically ill and couldn't breath. I learned that day what secondary PTSD looks like in me. It seems to be getting worse.
I had one psychiatrist tell me that you either have PTSD or you don't. There is no such thing as secondary PTSD. He's full of stuff. He obviously hasn't lived with someone who has PTSD for as long as I have. My question is, "Why is secondary PTSD just now manifesting in me?"
Guess that's another blog for another day.
Blessings to all,
the PTSD Widow
I was sitting in the back seat with white knuckles, breathless, and crying. I can't remember when I've been so scared!! One of our boys was about to take on the freeway downtown Seattle for the the first time in his eight-month driving career. I flipped. He drove just fine, and the learning opportunities were there, but I was scared. First of all, I don't do well while I'm coachig the boys--let alone when their dad coaches them. I know I aged ten years in that hour-long drive.
It took a good twenty minutes or so for my heart to calm down and my nerves to unrattle once we stopped. I had to go get a coffee and take a few minutes to silently talk myself out of a nervous breakdown.
The other freak-out happened two or three weeks ago when we went to a huge convention. There were so many people in that hall, I became physically ill and couldn't breath. I learned that day what secondary PTSD looks like in me. It seems to be getting worse.
I had one psychiatrist tell me that you either have PTSD or you don't. There is no such thing as secondary PTSD. He's full of stuff. He obviously hasn't lived with someone who has PTSD for as long as I have. My question is, "Why is secondary PTSD just now manifesting in me?"
Guess that's another blog for another day.
Blessings to all,
the PTSD Widow
Friday, September 30, 2011
Just some thoughts---
Fall is here in my neck of the woods. I'll be the first to tell you how beautiful the trees are becoming, and I love the smells! I just miss the summer. It seemed like summer was never going to arrive, and then when it finally did it was gone in two weeks.
Our home has been filled with busyness these past couple of weeks. School has gotten off to a fabulous start, and we have kids here all the time. I love it! My husband has been busy learning and teaching our sons high school chemistry, and I am in my element teaching other people's younger children. We almost have our own little schoolhouse going on here. I feel like I need to come up with a name for it.
We are preparing for some unhappy news, though we don't know when. We'll have to make a trip to the Southwest sometime in the future. My husband's mother is truly sick, and it's just a matter of time before she goes to meet Jesus. This morning, she faces yet another surgery to manage her cancer symptoms. I just don't know how long her body can handle all the radition treatments and the pain. If you are so inclined, please pray for her today. Since no one has an expiration date stamped on their foot, we don't know how much time she's got left. If the doctor's have mentioned a timeframe, the family has failed to relay the message.
PTSD is nasty and relentless. I am not looking forward to another season of dealing with magnified symptoms and outbursts. I've been praying that my husband's PTSD will remain stable, and it will for the most part. Anniversaries are coming up which will inevitably trigger traumatic memories. I pray he'll be able to manage. Couple those anniversaries with the fact that his mother is dying, and that's another story. Dear Hubby has only so much strength, and when triggers occur it's difficult for him to conciously pray and hand over the reigns to God. His emotions (mostly anger and depression)run amock and it takes awhile for us all to recover and regroup.
On a completely different note, our twins are driving. They are in the process of driving the required number of supervised practice hours before they can legally obtain their driver's license. Of course they must wait another 4 months for their birthday, but they are driving. We've had acouple lot of "instructional moments," but generally they do a great job. Our goal is that they learn and develop safe habits. It has been an adventure!
I'd better get ready for my day. There are lots of items to knock off of my to do list.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
Our home has been filled with busyness these past couple of weeks. School has gotten off to a fabulous start, and we have kids here all the time. I love it! My husband has been busy learning and teaching our sons high school chemistry, and I am in my element teaching other people's younger children. We almost have our own little schoolhouse going on here. I feel like I need to come up with a name for it.
We are preparing for some unhappy news, though we don't know when. We'll have to make a trip to the Southwest sometime in the future. My husband's mother is truly sick, and it's just a matter of time before she goes to meet Jesus. This morning, she faces yet another surgery to manage her cancer symptoms. I just don't know how long her body can handle all the radition treatments and the pain. If you are so inclined, please pray for her today. Since no one has an expiration date stamped on their foot, we don't know how much time she's got left. If the doctor's have mentioned a timeframe, the family has failed to relay the message.
PTSD is nasty and relentless. I am not looking forward to another season of dealing with magnified symptoms and outbursts. I've been praying that my husband's PTSD will remain stable, and it will for the most part. Anniversaries are coming up which will inevitably trigger traumatic memories. I pray he'll be able to manage. Couple those anniversaries with the fact that his mother is dying, and that's another story. Dear Hubby has only so much strength, and when triggers occur it's difficult for him to conciously pray and hand over the reigns to God. His emotions (mostly anger and depression)run amock and it takes awhile for us all to recover and regroup.
On a completely different note, our twins are driving. They are in the process of driving the required number of supervised practice hours before they can legally obtain their driver's license. Of course they must wait another 4 months for their birthday, but they are driving. We've had a
I'd better get ready for my day. There are lots of items to knock off of my to do list.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
Friday, August 26, 2011
Modern Day Barn Raising...
There are men on my roof. Since my husband is disabled and there is no way for him to get on the roof to fix it, several men from our church are here to reroof the entire house. A few years ago, our house was damaged during a severe winter storm. Everytime we've saved enough money to fix the roof, something more pressing has happened and we've never been able to save enough. Our church is reroofing our house. Did I mention how much of a blessing this is for our family?
Gidget, our weiner dog, is the only one who is literally freaking out about this project. She keeps running around the house, barking loudly, and now she is panting so hard. Eventually she'll wear herself out. For now, she is busy being a dog! I hope my ears and nerves can handle her constant barking.
This roofing project is literally a community event. So far, I've counted nearly forty people who have given their time, talents, tools, and trucks. That's amazing! It's been kind of a modern-day barn raising. We've had potlucks, dinners, working parties--you name it. People who are unable to get up on the roof have been here pulling weeds and contributing food. It has been a total community effort.
The PTSD symptoms are creeping back into the picture. With people here all the time and constant extra noise, my husband has no safe place to go. On top of that other stressors have been taking a toll on his health. At times he manages really well, and other times it's all he can do to keep it together. So far, aside from a few outbursts, he has done fairly well.
We feel entirely loved and blessed by the members of our local congregation. The truth is, we don't even know the half of how much effort it has taken to make this new roof a reality.
Thanking God and feeling blessed,
the PTSD Widow
Gidget, our weiner dog, is the only one who is literally freaking out about this project. She keeps running around the house, barking loudly, and now she is panting so hard. Eventually she'll wear herself out. For now, she is busy being a dog! I hope my ears and nerves can handle her constant barking.
This roofing project is literally a community event. So far, I've counted nearly forty people who have given their time, talents, tools, and trucks. That's amazing! It's been kind of a modern-day barn raising. We've had potlucks, dinners, working parties--you name it. People who are unable to get up on the roof have been here pulling weeds and contributing food. It has been a total community effort.
The PTSD symptoms are creeping back into the picture. With people here all the time and constant extra noise, my husband has no safe place to go. On top of that other stressors have been taking a toll on his health. At times he manages really well, and other times it's all he can do to keep it together. So far, aside from a few outbursts, he has done fairly well.
We feel entirely loved and blessed by the members of our local congregation. The truth is, we don't even know the half of how much effort it has taken to make this new roof a reality.
Thanking God and feeling blessed,
the PTSD Widow
Monday, July 18, 2011
Mild PTSD Symptoms...
Lately, the PTSD symptoms have been very mild. It has been so nice to have a relatively quiet and rested husband. I know the nights are a still tough for him, however he's been able to hold himself together during the day.
We have been socializing more lately. Our friends, who bowl with us, have come over to play cards. It has been fun to learn new card games and play with them. They brought their grandson over the other night, and that was really fun! I had completely forgotten what it was like to have a one-year-old around.
Our own boys have been out of town visiting relatives the past three weeks. They will come home on Wednesday, and I can say that I'll be glad to see them. I have missed them so much! I think this is probably the last summer they will want to be away from home. They have so many friends they "have not seen in a month, Mom!" I know that their social life is very important to them, and they are anxious to get back into the swing of things.
I have my own sense of normalcy to get back to. Today the laundry and the kitchen are beckoning me to get busy cleaning. I also want to finish an article review for my post grad work today. Guess I'd better go answer the call of a housewife.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
We have been socializing more lately. Our friends, who bowl with us, have come over to play cards. It has been fun to learn new card games and play with them. They brought their grandson over the other night, and that was really fun! I had completely forgotten what it was like to have a one-year-old around.
Our own boys have been out of town visiting relatives the past three weeks. They will come home on Wednesday, and I can say that I'll be glad to see them. I have missed them so much! I think this is probably the last summer they will want to be away from home. They have so many friends they "have not seen in a month, Mom!" I know that their social life is very important to them, and they are anxious to get back into the swing of things.
I have my own sense of normalcy to get back to. Today the laundry and the kitchen are beckoning me to get busy cleaning. I also want to finish an article review for my post grad work today. Guess I'd better go answer the call of a housewife.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Beautiful Death...
We buried Grandma last week. If death can be beautiful, Grandma's death was beautiful. We were privileged to spend an extra four days with her before she went to be with the Lord. Those four days were the greatest! We knew she was ready to go when she took off her oxygen and closed her eyes.
She was a beautiful woman who lived through more than her share of ups and downs. She was widowed at a young age with four teenagers. I'll never know all the details, but I do know that she was a mighty strong woman. Dad says she was industrious. He told me that he remembers Grandma staying up all night sewing two coats from her only coat so her twin boys would be warm the next morning as they walked to school. She couldn't offer her children much as far as things went, but she gave them all the love she could. She went without so that her children might have a little something.
I wish I'd have had the chance to know my grandmother better. That's another story.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
She was a beautiful woman who lived through more than her share of ups and downs. She was widowed at a young age with four teenagers. I'll never know all the details, but I do know that she was a mighty strong woman. Dad says she was industrious. He told me that he remembers Grandma staying up all night sewing two coats from her only coat so her twin boys would be warm the next morning as they walked to school. She couldn't offer her children much as far as things went, but she gave them all the love she could. She went without so that her children might have a little something.
I wish I'd have had the chance to know my grandmother better. That's another story.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
A Stroll Down Memory Lane...
My grandmother is dying. We have moved her to the Hospice House, and now the focus is comfort care. It has been difficult for everyone, but we've had some really fun days with her.
It is sad to watch Grandma's breathing and her overall health decline so rapidly; but, we've had really good days with her. She is using the upper part of her lungs, and she hasn't any reserves. She has been singing to us and remembering all kinds of poems and songs she used to sing. I have been typing as much of the songs as she is able to give us so that we can "write a book" as per Grandma's instructions.
Grandma wanted a birthday party, so we pulled together and put a party together within a few hours. My sister and cousin made blue shirts for everyone, I ordered the cake and purchased some decorations. Someone else brought the ice cream and drinks. My other cousin brought his guitar and we sang and laughed through the night. Grandma had a great time! We all were privileged with some fun memories.
My husband has been able to hold himself together. I know it is very difficult for him with twenty other people (practically strangers) in the room. He has actually been a strength, an encourager, and a blessing to my family. For some reason, my husband is able to keep himself together and he has a calming presence.
What an amazing experience! Please pray for blessings, strength and courage for my family as we prepare for the inevitable. Grandma is a believer, so that is not a huge concern. There are a handful of family members who haven't a clue about eternity. Pray for their salvation.
Blessings to you,
the PTSD Widow
It is sad to watch Grandma's breathing and her overall health decline so rapidly; but, we've had really good days with her. She is using the upper part of her lungs, and she hasn't any reserves. She has been singing to us and remembering all kinds of poems and songs she used to sing. I have been typing as much of the songs as she is able to give us so that we can "write a book" as per Grandma's instructions.
Grandma wanted a birthday party, so we pulled together and put a party together within a few hours. My sister and cousin made blue shirts for everyone, I ordered the cake and purchased some decorations. Someone else brought the ice cream and drinks. My other cousin brought his guitar and we sang and laughed through the night. Grandma had a great time! We all were privileged with some fun memories.
My husband has been able to hold himself together. I know it is very difficult for him with twenty other people (practically strangers) in the room. He has actually been a strength, an encourager, and a blessing to my family. For some reason, my husband is able to keep himself together and he has a calming presence.
What an amazing experience! Please pray for blessings, strength and courage for my family as we prepare for the inevitable. Grandma is a believer, so that is not a huge concern. There are a handful of family members who haven't a clue about eternity. Pray for their salvation.
Blessings to you,
the PTSD Widow
Monday, June 20, 2011
Bowling and PTSD
Have I mentioned that my family has taken up bowling? It's a lot more fun than I remember from childhood. I'm terrible, but I celebrate the little victories, for example, breaking 50, then 60 and so on. If I knock down a pin, that becomes a reason to celebrate. If I don't hurt myself, I celebrate. I have determined to enjoy my time bowling. Besides the bowling alley is a great place to people watch. Where else in the world can you watch someone try to guide the ball telepathically? It's just too funny.
The noise gets to me sometimes, but that seems a small price to pay considering the time I get to spend with the boys. They are growing up so fast, and I don't want to miss out on an opportunity to be with them. The goal is for them to bowl a 220 so they can start dating. I think that's my husband's deal with them--I'm sure he's got all the details worked out.
While I was bowling yesterday evening, I began to connect PTSD with bowling. PTSD is kind of like those ten pins at the end of the lane. They are waiting to be knocked over and reset several times each day. If the pins were alive and had an actual voice, they might reflect how tired they are of being knocked over time and time again. Some veterans who suffer with PTSD are only waiting to be knocked over by the floods of memories and what not. Other veterans feel like they are finally reset--only to be knocked down again with memories, anniverary dates, or the next trigger.
I don't know if this makes sense to you, but I wanted to share my connection anyhow. It seems funny how a seemingly normal activity such as bowling can remind me of PTSD and my reality. PTSD is never really that far from my thoughts.
In the meantime, I resolve to enjoy myself as I work to improve my bowling average. Who knows, maybe bowling will prove to be a stress reliever.
Blessings to you,
the PTSD Widow
The noise gets to me sometimes, but that seems a small price to pay considering the time I get to spend with the boys. They are growing up so fast, and I don't want to miss out on an opportunity to be with them. The goal is for them to bowl a 220 so they can start dating. I think that's my husband's deal with them--I'm sure he's got all the details worked out.
While I was bowling yesterday evening, I began to connect PTSD with bowling. PTSD is kind of like those ten pins at the end of the lane. They are waiting to be knocked over and reset several times each day. If the pins were alive and had an actual voice, they might reflect how tired they are of being knocked over time and time again. Some veterans who suffer with PTSD are only waiting to be knocked over by the floods of memories and what not. Other veterans feel like they are finally reset--only to be knocked down again with memories, anniverary dates, or the next trigger.
I don't know if this makes sense to you, but I wanted to share my connection anyhow. It seems funny how a seemingly normal activity such as bowling can remind me of PTSD and my reality. PTSD is never really that far from my thoughts.
In the meantime, I resolve to enjoy myself as I work to improve my bowling average. Who knows, maybe bowling will prove to be a stress reliever.
Blessings to you,
the PTSD Widow
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Summer Joys...
My family and I went on a little overnight/day trip yesterday, and we just returned. We went searching for sunshine! We found sunshine, were educated on the production of hydroelecticity, and we enjoyed an evening of driving and swimming. This morning, I enjoyed another swim while my family enjoyed breakfast. It was great.
On the way home, the husband and I spent a little time at a fishing spot just off the freeway. The boys claimed to be too tired to fish in such windy conditions. I'll give them that for sure--it was rather windy, and I would have been miserable without my coat. I enjoyed the sunshine. The wind made the water look like crumpled aluminum foil, and it was beautiful!
I realized, once again, that sunshine produces heat--no matter what the other conditions contribute. In a way, this is like the joy of the Lord. Though I'm not always the best at reflecting joy in my life, the joy of the Lord can radiate no matter what the rest of life's circumstances look like. (PTSD episodes, other health issues, PMS, etc.)
My prayer is that the joy of the Lord will radiate from my life no matter what difficulties my husband and I face because of PTSD and because of life. I want to be careful to give God all glory and honor because He is the One who has sustained me and provided me with His strength.
Blessings and Joy to you all,
the PTSD Widow
On the way home, the husband and I spent a little time at a fishing spot just off the freeway. The boys claimed to be too tired to fish in such windy conditions. I'll give them that for sure--it was rather windy, and I would have been miserable without my coat. I enjoyed the sunshine. The wind made the water look like crumpled aluminum foil, and it was beautiful!
I realized, once again, that sunshine produces heat--no matter what the other conditions contribute. In a way, this is like the joy of the Lord. Though I'm not always the best at reflecting joy in my life, the joy of the Lord can radiate no matter what the rest of life's circumstances look like. (PTSD episodes, other health issues, PMS, etc.)
My prayer is that the joy of the Lord will radiate from my life no matter what difficulties my husband and I face because of PTSD and because of life. I want to be careful to give God all glory and honor because He is the One who has sustained me and provided me with His strength.
Blessings and Joy to you all,
the PTSD Widow
Monday, June 13, 2011
We're Home Now
The boys and I have been out-of-town since Wednesday of last week. It was a wonderful little trip! We got to enjoy the sunshine, we had the honor of attending a high school graduation, we spent a lot of time with family, and we enjoyed a party/picnic. The boys actually got to see a different side of my family and how a family should interact with each other. It was fabulous.
We came home yesterday evening. Did I mention we came home? Oh yeah---the husband started in right away and our excitement soon faded. It breaks my heart to realize that most of the words my husband speaks are negative. He can dampen the mood of any person by just pointing out the not-so-perfect stuff. He makes it difficult to want to share anything positive with him because he'll just ruin it. How much of that is attributed to PTSD? Is any of it? I'm beginning to wonder.
For instance,I was telling the husband about my niece and how she loved her "Auntie" and how much fun it was to have a two-year-old around. He was indifferent. So, I'll tell all my friends in "Bloggerland" about her. She woke up whining and whimpering one night. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, "I just don't want to talk about it." Coming from a two-year-old, that was funny! I finally just told her to close her eyes and go back to sleep.
No wonder I love spending time with my family. At least they are willing to laugh and play. Laughing, sunshine, and play really do a body good. I'm back home now in the damp, cold, and dark of this area of the country. There are so many days that I'm ready to move.
Until next time, I'll remember the laughter, the sunshine and how to have fun.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
We came home yesterday evening. Did I mention we came home? Oh yeah---the husband started in right away and our excitement soon faded. It breaks my heart to realize that most of the words my husband speaks are negative. He can dampen the mood of any person by just pointing out the not-so-perfect stuff. He makes it difficult to want to share anything positive with him because he'll just ruin it. How much of that is attributed to PTSD? Is any of it? I'm beginning to wonder.
For instance,I was telling the husband about my niece and how she loved her "Auntie" and how much fun it was to have a two-year-old around. He was indifferent. So, I'll tell all my friends in "Bloggerland" about her. She woke up whining and whimpering one night. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, "I just don't want to talk about it." Coming from a two-year-old, that was funny! I finally just told her to close her eyes and go back to sleep.
No wonder I love spending time with my family. At least they are willing to laugh and play. Laughing, sunshine, and play really do a body good. I'm back home now in the damp, cold, and dark of this area of the country. There are so many days that I'm ready to move.
Until next time, I'll remember the laughter, the sunshine and how to have fun.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
"Edit" Life
I started this post yesterday, but I didn't get very far. Perhaps I erased everything I wrote because I didn't want those thoughts to be saved for later editing.
Wouldn't it be lovely if we could edit our lives? We could erase all the bad and only reflect what we want people to see and believe about us. We could manipulate each "frame" and add a little "color" here and some "fading for effect" there. Our children would have that angelic glow, our smiles would be brighter and our eyes have more sparkle. Wouldn't that be nice?
You know, life cannot be edited. Life happens and, with the exception of photographs and videos, it cannot be saved for later and manipulated to progress exactly like I want it. That's just not the way it happens in the real world. In the real world, our veterans see and experience horrific events that no amount of manipulating will make the outcome positive. In the real world we live with PTSD as our normal and walk on eggshells with our spouses. In the real world, we have to embrace each positive and really work hard not to become bitter and act as if we are victims.
In the real world, we have choices and decisions. Sometimes our real world is not exactly what we had envisioned for ourselves or how we would have edited it.
Just wanted to give you all something to think about today.
Many Blessings,
the PTSD Widow
Wouldn't it be lovely if we could edit our lives? We could erase all the bad and only reflect what we want people to see and believe about us. We could manipulate each "frame" and add a little "color" here and some "fading for effect" there. Our children would have that angelic glow, our smiles would be brighter and our eyes have more sparkle. Wouldn't that be nice?
You know, life cannot be edited. Life happens and, with the exception of photographs and videos, it cannot be saved for later and manipulated to progress exactly like I want it. That's just not the way it happens in the real world. In the real world, our veterans see and experience horrific events that no amount of manipulating will make the outcome positive. In the real world we live with PTSD as our normal and walk on eggshells with our spouses. In the real world, we have to embrace each positive and really work hard not to become bitter and act as if we are victims.
In the real world, we have choices and decisions. Sometimes our real world is not exactly what we had envisioned for ourselves or how we would have edited it.
Just wanted to give you all something to think about today.
Many Blessings,
the PTSD Widow
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Testing, Shrinking and Sunshine
San Francisco was wonderful! I was able to enjoy time with my sister and meet several people including Arthur Duncan. Overall, the trip was wonderful--no complaints from me. (An annual sister's trip just may be in the planning stages.)
This week has been a week of testing in our homeschool. Our state mandates grade level testing to ensure our kids are reaching academic milestones and that they are at or exceed grade-level standards. For some reason, testing is more tiring to me than actual teaching. Perhaps I tire so easily because I have to work so hard at being quiet so as not to distract my testers. I don't know about that for sure, but I do know I slept one sunny afternoon away.
Speaking of the sun--we've experienced two consecutive sunny days! This is a major event considering this past spring has been the wettest on record in our area. My husband and I went fishing on Friday evening, and then yesterday, we took our twins bowling. I had wanted to go to the ocean, but I was outvoted and ended up bowling. Regardless, the point of the outing was to have a good time and enjoy ourselves as a family. We easily met that goal.
The PTSD symptoms seem to be minimized in the sunshine, but the other aches and pains are beginning to worsen. I believe PTSD exacerbates every other symptom in a body, although I haven't any proof to support this theory. My poor husband has been using a cane to walk around the house, and he winces and moans with each step. It hurts me to see him hurting so badly just when I'm beginning to feel like I have some of my life back.
I bought myself a pair of jeans today. This is a major accomplishment for me because I haven't worn jeans in over 16 years. I'm losing weight and it feels wonderful! Many of the clothes I try on feel so big now. It's definitely a confidence booster to know that before long I won't have to shop in the plus-sized stores.
I need to get back to bed. The boys and I have a concert tomorrow night to kick off our summer celebrations.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
This week has been a week of testing in our homeschool. Our state mandates grade level testing to ensure our kids are reaching academic milestones and that they are at or exceed grade-level standards. For some reason, testing is more tiring to me than actual teaching. Perhaps I tire so easily because I have to work so hard at being quiet so as not to distract my testers. I don't know about that for sure, but I do know I slept one sunny afternoon away.
Speaking of the sun--we've experienced two consecutive sunny days! This is a major event considering this past spring has been the wettest on record in our area. My husband and I went fishing on Friday evening, and then yesterday, we took our twins bowling. I had wanted to go to the ocean, but I was outvoted and ended up bowling. Regardless, the point of the outing was to have a good time and enjoy ourselves as a family. We easily met that goal.
The PTSD symptoms seem to be minimized in the sunshine, but the other aches and pains are beginning to worsen. I believe PTSD exacerbates every other symptom in a body, although I haven't any proof to support this theory. My poor husband has been using a cane to walk around the house, and he winces and moans with each step. It hurts me to see him hurting so badly just when I'm beginning to feel like I have some of my life back.
I bought myself a pair of jeans today. This is a major accomplishment for me because I haven't worn jeans in over 16 years. I'm losing weight and it feels wonderful! Many of the clothes I try on feel so big now. It's definitely a confidence booster to know that before long I won't have to shop in the plus-sized stores.
I need to get back to bed. The boys and I have a concert tomorrow night to kick off our summer celebrations.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
Thursday, May 26, 2011
San Francisco
This city is beautiful! The architecture of the homes is fabulous and even though they are practically stacked on top of each other, each home has its own unique style. I'm amazed at the number of people crammed in so little space, and frankly, I'll stick with my home in suburbia nestled on an acre.
My sister and I are content to spend the evening at our hotel. I believe the plan is to take advantage of the swimming pool and hot tub this evening. We've just eaten chips and salsa, carrots and ranch dressing and soda for the fourth night in a row. I think I'll talk her into dining elsewhere for tomorrow. The breakfasts have been marvelous. There is such a variety offered in the mornings--I could eat there every day of the week and be just fine.
A little boy at the next table made a comment about the man sitting across from us who had only one leg. Mom and sisters hushed him quickly. I don't know this for a fact, but I think the gentleman would've gladly responded to the little boys inquisitiveness. I think I would have used that as a teaching opportunity. The man is probably used to inquisitive children. I wonder if the man is a veteran.
Speaking of veterans, the Golden Gate National Cemetery is beautiful this weekend! Numerous flags decorate the gravestones and the roads. I'm glad there is a place of beauty to recognize the men and women who gave everything in order for us to enjoy the freedoms we enjoy. My sister and I could not find the way into the cemetery, but it was beautiful. I think I would have cried had we been able to go in and visit. Perhaps that is something we will do tomorrow.
As far as I know, things at home are going pretty well. Aside from the fact that my youngest twin has a scratch from above his eye to below his cheekbone, I believe they are doing well. My husband seems to be hanging on alright. He misses me, but he seems to be doing okay.
I'll blog more about our adventure in San Francisco and our day with the legendary Arthur Duncan when I return home.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
My sister and I are content to spend the evening at our hotel. I believe the plan is to take advantage of the swimming pool and hot tub this evening. We've just eaten chips and salsa, carrots and ranch dressing and soda for the fourth night in a row. I think I'll talk her into dining elsewhere for tomorrow. The breakfasts have been marvelous. There is such a variety offered in the mornings--I could eat there every day of the week and be just fine.
A little boy at the next table made a comment about the man sitting across from us who had only one leg. Mom and sisters hushed him quickly. I don't know this for a fact, but I think the gentleman would've gladly responded to the little boys inquisitiveness. I think I would have used that as a teaching opportunity. The man is probably used to inquisitive children. I wonder if the man is a veteran.
Speaking of veterans, the Golden Gate National Cemetery is beautiful this weekend! Numerous flags decorate the gravestones and the roads. I'm glad there is a place of beauty to recognize the men and women who gave everything in order for us to enjoy the freedoms we enjoy. My sister and I could not find the way into the cemetery, but it was beautiful. I think I would have cried had we been able to go in and visit. Perhaps that is something we will do tomorrow.
As far as I know, things at home are going pretty well. Aside from the fact that my youngest twin has a scratch from above his eye to below his cheekbone, I believe they are doing well. My husband seems to be hanging on alright. He misses me, but he seems to be doing okay.
I'll blog more about our adventure in San Francisco and our day with the legendary Arthur Duncan when I return home.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Reflections from the Widow's Sis
In the stillness of my soul, I reflect to see all that I desire and hope for--
all I honestly wish to be. Laying all things aside and resting in my
place under the sun, I am able to pray diligently for God to change my heart and
help me become the best I can be. Once again, I try to figure out the pieces of
the puzzles of this life, but to no avail. Why? Because often it seems
as if the puzzle changes.... not in the size, for the size of life remains the
same and only God knows the number of "pieces" needed to complete its intricate
design.... not in the shape of the pieces already cut, for they are now memories
of days gone by.....but it changes in the picture and the quality in which it is
seen. With each choice that is made, every word that is spoken, and everything
seen and even heard, objects from the far off horizons are brought to the front
and those tiny brush strokes are highlighted differently, as if in an
unspoken hue.
And as I sit and watch this new panoramic view unfold before my questioning
eyes, I realize that there truly is and was a reason for every drop of color,
every shape and dot made by pencil, pen, chalk, and paint. The marks that are
permanently etched, brushed, drawn out, and sketched ever so lightly on every
single portion confuse my mind as I look at them individually. I remember so
well some of those times and how awful the hurt was to have the most beautiful
shade of the finest pink appear to be ruined when the artist allowed its
brilliance to be covered by horrible shadows of the deepest and darkest of
all colors. Why did it have to be this way? What was wrong with this unique
variety of pink in my life? Why the change?? Why the sudden cut? Why the
need to alter or modify the perfect shape? Wouldn't it have fit the way it
was??
By stepping back, I allow God to repeat this process of revelation by letting
Him put this tapestry of messy blotches and meaningless shapes and forms
together in their correct places. I hope only to be able to see even a partial
view of all that is meant to be. --Maybe some sort of clue as to where this
particular day of recollection fits into it all.??
As I watch the hands of the Master Puzzle Maker turn the pieces and move them to
their proper positons without altering the form or single imprint of the design,
I begin to understand some of the "why's." For before me stands a majestic
mountain. Yes! The same mountain I have noticed before in the far boundaries
of this familiar picture that I look at daily. It is perfectly shaded in the
darkest of colors. A mountain that took several pieces to complete....
several layers of deep and crucial colors to reveal every cliff, canyon, and
crevice that lies within it. A mountain, ...... MY mountain, that I was able to
climb successfully! I now know that I did not need any sort of a pink color
visible to the human eye to enhance its beauty. The artist knew what was taking
place and saw the picture in his mind before it even came to be. And since this
tiny mountain in the far distances of this ever growing puzzle represent that
which has already taken place, I can look beyond the cuts and "dabs" of this day
and know, that it, too, will one day be in the horizons and so small and
so beautiful, that it will only increase the value of the canvas and cardboard
it lies upon.
Love,
~The Widow's Sis
all I honestly wish to be. Laying all things aside and resting in my
place under the sun, I am able to pray diligently for God to change my heart and
help me become the best I can be. Once again, I try to figure out the pieces of
the puzzles of this life, but to no avail. Why? Because often it seems
as if the puzzle changes.... not in the size, for the size of life remains the
same and only God knows the number of "pieces" needed to complete its intricate
design.... not in the shape of the pieces already cut, for they are now memories
of days gone by.....but it changes in the picture and the quality in which it is
seen. With each choice that is made, every word that is spoken, and everything
seen and even heard, objects from the far off horizons are brought to the front
and those tiny brush strokes are highlighted differently, as if in an
unspoken hue.
And as I sit and watch this new panoramic view unfold before my questioning
eyes, I realize that there truly is and was a reason for every drop of color,
every shape and dot made by pencil, pen, chalk, and paint. The marks that are
permanently etched, brushed, drawn out, and sketched ever so lightly on every
single portion confuse my mind as I look at them individually. I remember so
well some of those times and how awful the hurt was to have the most beautiful
shade of the finest pink appear to be ruined when the artist allowed its
brilliance to be covered by horrible shadows of the deepest and darkest of
all colors. Why did it have to be this way? What was wrong with this unique
variety of pink in my life? Why the change?? Why the sudden cut? Why the
need to alter or modify the perfect shape? Wouldn't it have fit the way it
was??
By stepping back, I allow God to repeat this process of revelation by letting
Him put this tapestry of messy blotches and meaningless shapes and forms
together in their correct places. I hope only to be able to see even a partial
view of all that is meant to be. --Maybe some sort of clue as to where this
particular day of recollection fits into it all.??
As I watch the hands of the Master Puzzle Maker turn the pieces and move them to
their proper positons without altering the form or single imprint of the design,
I begin to understand some of the "why's." For before me stands a majestic
mountain. Yes! The same mountain I have noticed before in the far boundaries
of this familiar picture that I look at daily. It is perfectly shaded in the
darkest of colors. A mountain that took several pieces to complete....
several layers of deep and crucial colors to reveal every cliff, canyon, and
crevice that lies within it. A mountain, ...... MY mountain, that I was able to
climb successfully! I now know that I did not need any sort of a pink color
visible to the human eye to enhance its beauty. The artist knew what was taking
place and saw the picture in his mind before it even came to be. And since this
tiny mountain in the far distances of this ever growing puzzle represent that
which has already taken place, I can look beyond the cuts and "dabs" of this day
and know, that it, too, will one day be in the horizons and so small and
so beautiful, that it will only increase the value of the canvas and cardboard
it lies upon.
Love,
~The Widow's Sis
Armed Forces Day
I'm so excited! Tomorrow morning my sister and I leave for San Francisco. I was beginning to believe the day would never get here.
Yesterday, my family and I spent the day at the local army base for Retiree Appreciation Day and Armed Forces Day. I know the crowds, the every-hour cannon firing, and all the people in military garb were really tough for my husband. He managed to keep himself controlled. Later on, however, he was anxious and suffered with nausea and vomitting. Though I'm sorry that his body reacts that way to certain stressors, it was nice that he didn't get angry or yell.
I wondered how many veterans or families were walking around on base that day who might have benefitted from www.FamilyofaVet.com. I thought of the tremendous support and information available through their website. Next year, perhaps, I'll be sitting at a booth during the Armed Forces Day celebration to spread the word. I wonder who I'll need to contact to get the ball rolling on this idea.
Our boys discovered the Civil Ware re-enactment. One of the boys stood by the weapons in a Civil War era uniform for much of the day. He looked so handsome. I believe the boy is officially a self-declared geek. (My son hugs me and laughs when he affirms his geekiness. I love it!!) Both boys had a wonderful time talking to people, hanging out, and engaging in all the events on base. The best part of the day for them?? There were people giving away free boxes of Girl Scout cookies. "I mean, Mom, can the day get any better?"
I need to get ready for a busy day, so I'll close for now. I may not be able to blog until next week--San Francisco, here I come!!
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
Yesterday, my family and I spent the day at the local army base for Retiree Appreciation Day and Armed Forces Day. I know the crowds, the every-hour cannon firing, and all the people in military garb were really tough for my husband. He managed to keep himself controlled. Later on, however, he was anxious and suffered with nausea and vomitting. Though I'm sorry that his body reacts that way to certain stressors, it was nice that he didn't get angry or yell.
I wondered how many veterans or families were walking around on base that day who might have benefitted from www.FamilyofaVet.com. I thought of the tremendous support and information available through their website. Next year, perhaps, I'll be sitting at a booth during the Armed Forces Day celebration to spread the word. I wonder who I'll need to contact to get the ball rolling on this idea.
Our boys discovered the Civil Ware re-enactment. One of the boys stood by the weapons in a Civil War era uniform for much of the day. He looked so handsome. I believe the boy is officially a self-declared geek. (My son hugs me and laughs when he affirms his geekiness. I love it!!) Both boys had a wonderful time talking to people, hanging out, and engaging in all the events on base. The best part of the day for them?? There were people giving away free boxes of Girl Scout cookies. "I mean, Mom, can the day get any better?"
I need to get ready for a busy day, so I'll close for now. I may not be able to blog until next week--San Francisco, here I come!!
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
Saturday, May 21, 2011
A Bountiful Fishing Trip
My sister and I are preparing for a girls-only trip to San Francisco. We leave on Monday and will return next Saturday. We have never taken a mini-vacation from our families and just taken time to play, so that's what we've planned to do. No husband, no children, no animals, no set schedule. We are just going to have a good time and enjoy our freedom.
I'm a little concerned about the husband, however. He doesn't always do well when I'm away for too long. Just yesterday he told me how the boys are different when I'm away--how they seem to walk on eggshells and act afraid of him. At least he notices--hopefully, he'll be more gentle with the boys and use a softer tone. If you are inclined to pray, please pray for my family while I'm away.
The husband and I have had a couple of really good days. Thursday evening we went fishing, and I caught six fish--two got away just as I was reeling them to the bank, and one was too small to keep. The husband caught one--a keeper. Anyhow, it was amazing because there was this ten-year-old boy at the lake who was was fishing with a friend he called "Mr. Tuck." Mr. Tuck was inexperienced, so my husband helped the boy rig his pole. Needless to say, the boy caught a fish and reeled it in while Mr. Tuck went home empty-handed.
We also saw this Aussie daddy with his four children. He was so gentle with those kids, and it was fun to listen to him talk! Aussie daddy made sure that all four of his children had a magnificent time. They were still fishing when we left but had already caught seven trout. It goes without saying that catching fish will make any fishing trip fun.
My own boys are growing up. They don't want to go fishing with us much anymore. They'd rather go out with girls or hang out with their friends. Who can blame them? The boys were at youth group while we were fishing. They can't tell me about what they talk about during youth group "because of the content, Mom." They promise to tell me when it's more appropriate to share. I have no doubt they are receiving truth and a godly influence, so I can respect their need for privacy.
Guess I'll go back to bed now that I've written a book.
Blessings to you,
the PTSD Widow
I'm a little concerned about the husband, however. He doesn't always do well when I'm away for too long. Just yesterday he told me how the boys are different when I'm away--how they seem to walk on eggshells and act afraid of him. At least he notices--hopefully, he'll be more gentle with the boys and use a softer tone. If you are inclined to pray, please pray for my family while I'm away.
The husband and I have had a couple of really good days. Thursday evening we went fishing, and I caught six fish--two got away just as I was reeling them to the bank, and one was too small to keep. The husband caught one--a keeper. Anyhow, it was amazing because there was this ten-year-old boy at the lake who was was fishing with a friend he called "Mr. Tuck." Mr. Tuck was inexperienced, so my husband helped the boy rig his pole. Needless to say, the boy caught a fish and reeled it in while Mr. Tuck went home empty-handed.
We also saw this Aussie daddy with his four children. He was so gentle with those kids, and it was fun to listen to him talk! Aussie daddy made sure that all four of his children had a magnificent time. They were still fishing when we left but had already caught seven trout. It goes without saying that catching fish will make any fishing trip fun.
My own boys are growing up. They don't want to go fishing with us much anymore. They'd rather go out with girls or hang out with their friends. Who can blame them? The boys were at youth group while we were fishing. They can't tell me about what they talk about during youth group "because of the content, Mom." They promise to tell me when it's more appropriate to share. I have no doubt they are receiving truth and a godly influence, so I can respect their need for privacy.
Guess I'll go back to bed now that I've written a book.
Blessings to you,
the PTSD Widow
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
My nightmare...
Have you ever woke up from a nightmare only to realize that your husband is still gone? Honestly, it would have been nice if he were home because then he could have talked me down from my nightmare. At least it wouldn't seem as if all is not well in our home. I had to go check on the boys to make sure they were still home (they've been in bed for the last three hours)--that's how scared I was.
It's not very often that I have such vivid dreams or even remember my dreams. This one scared me. Usually, I dream about other people's children and have come to recognize this as a signal I need to pray for that family. This time, my nightmare was about one of my own children. This means I will pray ever more fervently for God to provide His protection over my son and to help with my son's attitude.
If my husband were home, I could have shared this nightmare with him. I don't know if I would still be shaking, but at least he would have been here. PTSD stinks! Not only is my husband emotionally unavailable, he's often gone AWOL from our home when his presence would have been beneficial.
Guess I'll try one last time to call my husband and then try to go back to sleep. Though I'm relieved it was only a nightmare, I'm still alone.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
It's not very often that I have such vivid dreams or even remember my dreams. This one scared me. Usually, I dream about other people's children and have come to recognize this as a signal I need to pray for that family. This time, my nightmare was about one of my own children. This means I will pray ever more fervently for God to provide His protection over my son and to help with my son's attitude.
If my husband were home, I could have shared this nightmare with him. I don't know if I would still be shaking, but at least he would have been here. PTSD stinks! Not only is my husband emotionally unavailable, he's often gone AWOL from our home when his presence would have been beneficial.
Guess I'll try one last time to call my husband and then try to go back to sleep. Though I'm relieved it was only a nightmare, I'm still alone.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Just a comment...
Words are powerful, and they can be powerful triggers for my husband's PTSD symptoms. I learned this once again the other day when he was looking at a package of frozen hashbrowns. There was a recipe for cheesey potato casserole (or something like that) on the back of the package. He was telling me all the ingredients and how this recipe sounded so delicious.
Little did I know that my words in the next few seconds would ignite an hour-long lecture, elevate his blood pressure, cause steam to emit from his ears and set the harsh and edgy tone for the rest of the day.
All I said was, "Oh! That sounds like the recipe for funeral potatoes..." I couldn't even finish my innocent thought before he went off! I just made a simple comment. Instantaneous trigger! He yelled, "Why do you always have to bring up dead people? You're always talking about funerals!" Then he continued for at least an hour about how I ruin all foods by bringing up death or something most people find disgusting.
In my defense, I don't always and I don't ruin everything. Funeral potatoes is a dish often brought to grieving families because they are easy to heat and eat and they are meant to serve a lot of people. I hadn't even heard of any other name for this dish before the other day. In fact, one can google "funeral potatoes" and several recipe sites are listed. I totally missed it--I had no clue that my referring to the recipe as funeral potatoes would yield that kind of overreaction! DUH! How could I have missed that one?
The more my husbandthought yelled about it, the angrier he became. I had to walk away and remove myself from the situation. I was getting angry too, and he gave me no opportunity to defend myself or try and talk him down. I left.
What can you do when your beloved is making an innocent comment a matter oflife and death national security? ( Don't want to mention the "death" word!)I can laugh at the situation now because it's over, but I'll be careful not to laugh about this in my husband's presence. Oh, and I'll be more cautious and selective about which of my powerful words I speak when he's around.
Little did I know that my words in the next few seconds would ignite an hour-long lecture, elevate his blood pressure, cause steam to emit from his ears and set the harsh and edgy tone for the rest of the day.
All I said was, "Oh! That sounds like the recipe for funeral potatoes..." I couldn't even finish my innocent thought before he went off! I just made a simple comment. Instantaneous trigger! He yelled, "Why do you always have to bring up dead people? You're always talking about funerals!" Then he continued for at least an hour about how I ruin all foods by bringing up death or something most people find disgusting.
In my defense, I don't always and I don't ruin everything. Funeral potatoes is a dish often brought to grieving families because they are easy to heat and eat and they are meant to serve a lot of people. I hadn't even heard of any other name for this dish before the other day. In fact, one can google "funeral potatoes" and several recipe sites are listed. I totally missed it--I had no clue that my referring to the recipe as funeral potatoes would yield that kind of overreaction! DUH! How could I have missed that one?
The more my husband
What can you do when your beloved is making an innocent comment a matter of
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Severe April Showers Bring...
Wow! I can hardly believe today is the last day of April. This month has been treacherous for the many people in the South who are affected by the severe weather. It's also been treacherous for many of my new friends who are dealing with the affects of severe PTSD/TBI storms in their own lives. I know this too well. My friends have been weathering a severe storm of the worsening of their son's rare heart condition. Unless they can successfully remove the fluid build-up from around his brain, he will not be a candidate for a heart transplant. Now that's a genuinely severe storm!
When I was a little girl, we would chant, "April showers bring May flowers." I know that something beautiful will emerge from the severe storms identified with this April. My husband and I were privileged to see the Tulip Festival about an hour north of us. The day we chose to attend was magnificent. The sun was shining, the clouds were perfect, and the tulip blooms were exquisite. That was a therapeutic event for me. Walking among the tulip blossoms made everything seem right with the world. I even bought a ton of tulips to brighten my kitchen.
Perhaps we have waded through the worst of the April storms and now we're stronger for it. Perhaps some of us are still in the middle of the muck and mire--hang on! Something beautiful is bound to spring up in the future.
Blessings to all,
the PTSD Widow
When I was a little girl, we would chant, "April showers bring May flowers." I know that something beautiful will emerge from the severe storms identified with this April. My husband and I were privileged to see the Tulip Festival about an hour north of us. The day we chose to attend was magnificent. The sun was shining, the clouds were perfect, and the tulip blooms were exquisite. That was a therapeutic event for me. Walking among the tulip blossoms made everything seem right with the world. I even bought a ton of tulips to brighten my kitchen.
Perhaps we have waded through the worst of the April storms and now we're stronger for it. Perhaps some of us are still in the middle of the muck and mire--hang on! Something beautiful is bound to spring up in the future.
Blessings to all,
the PTSD Widow
Monday, April 25, 2011
Good Days...
Recently, my friends and I were sharing stories of our many trials and how we managed to not only survive the muck and mire, but also thrive on the other side. I remembered the difficult times just before my husband's diagnosis and subsequent medical retirement from the military. That was definitely a muddy time in our life.
So many, many times it would have been easier to just give up and leave the marriage and everything we had established together. (Life was that trying at the time.) However, if I had elected to leave when we were in the middle of the muck and mire, I would have only remembered the bad times and how hard it was and the negatives. I wouldn't have had the chance to see the other side and reap the results.
Sure, there are still difficult times in our life as we cope with PTSD and multiple TBIs. I'm not going to pretend there aren't, but I will tell you there are good days too.
If you are in the middle of the puddle and above your kneecaps in mud, let me encourage you to hang on. Wade through the mud and persevere. One day you'll look back and wonder how you made it through, but you'll be glad you stayed the course. You'll be stronger for your struggle and able to encourage others.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
So many, many times it would have been easier to just give up and leave the marriage and everything we had established together. (Life was that trying at the time.) However, if I had elected to leave when we were in the middle of the muck and mire, I would have only remembered the bad times and how hard it was and the negatives. I wouldn't have had the chance to see the other side and reap the results.
Sure, there are still difficult times in our life as we cope with PTSD and multiple TBIs. I'm not going to pretend there aren't, but I will tell you there are good days too.
If you are in the middle of the puddle and above your kneecaps in mud, let me encourage you to hang on. Wade through the mud and persevere. One day you'll look back and wonder how you made it through, but you'll be glad you stayed the course. You'll be stronger for your struggle and able to encourage others.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
Monday, April 18, 2011
Brain Injuries Remain Undiagnosed in Thousands of Soldiers--
Republish
Click on the above link to read an amazing article about Traumatic Brain Injuries. I believe this one was originally published in June 2010, but it's still relevant.
Blessings,
the PTSD Widow
Click on the above link to read an amazing article about Traumatic Brain Injuries. I believe this one was originally published in June 2010, but it's still relevant.
Blessings,
the PTSD Widow
Sunday, April 17, 2011
PTSD Anonymous
Hi All,
I found another website that promises help for veterans who suffer from PTSD. I just want to raise awareness and educate people about PTSD, offer help, and share possible coping skills.
www.PTSDanonymous.org
I found another website that promises help for veterans who suffer from PTSD. I just want to raise awareness and educate people about PTSD, offer help, and share possible coping skills.
www.PTSDanonymous.org
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
How Much More?
My husband is gone again. He had an episode tonight over dinner. I know I was the one who set him off this time--and then the boys and I went out for awhile. They needed a change of scenery and the chance to be with their mother. When we came home, my husband was gone. All the lights were off and he was gone. He didn't even bother to leave a note, call and tell me where he was going, or anything. Now--as is the normal--he is not answering his phone or text messages. He makes me so angry!!
I often wonder how much more of this type of life I can handle and why is it that I hang on. In all honesty, I ask myself these kind of questions more often than not.
I'm trying to be happy. I've been trying to do things that I used to do when I was actually happy. I've been losing weight, and I can actually move without too much pain now. I'm trying all these things and I still can't help my husband. Sometimes I get so tired of the excuse of PTSD. Sometimes I feel like that's all it really is--an excuse. In my head, I know better; but in my heart it's an excuse. Oh how I wish he could just get over it. But he can't.
So, I will pray--move on, and tomorrow will be another day. My husband will come home some time, but I don't know when.
Sweet Dreams,
the PTSD Widow
I often wonder how much more of this type of life I can handle and why is it that I hang on. In all honesty, I ask myself these kind of questions more often than not.
I'm trying to be happy. I've been trying to do things that I used to do when I was actually happy. I've been losing weight, and I can actually move without too much pain now. I'm trying all these things and I still can't help my husband. Sometimes I get so tired of the excuse of PTSD. Sometimes I feel like that's all it really is--an excuse. In my head, I know better; but in my heart it's an excuse. Oh how I wish he could just get over it. But he can't.
So, I will pray--move on, and tomorrow will be another day. My husband will come home some time, but I don't know when.
Sweet Dreams,
the PTSD Widow
Monday, April 4, 2011
Triggers
I don't know about you, but I'm tired of unidentified triggers. You know...the triggers you don't even suspect will set off your beloved. You know...the triggers that cause us to walk on eggshells because we don't know how our beloved will react. We can't avoid triggers unless we can identify them. And even then, I'm sure it's impossible to avoid them all the time.
Lately, everything has been a trigger for my husband's PTSD. He's gone a lot during the day because he believes that being away from the house is better for everyone here. In a way, he's right. We haven't turned on the news to learn anymore about the nuclear disaster in Japan or the devastation there. It's just too much for everyone in our household. I guess it makes us realize that life and the lifestyle we know is very fragile.
Blessings to you,
the PTSD Widow
Lately, everything has been a trigger for my husband's PTSD. He's gone a lot during the day because he believes that being away from the house is better for everyone here. In a way, he's right. We haven't turned on the news to learn anymore about the nuclear disaster in Japan or the devastation there. It's just too much for everyone in our household. I guess it makes us realize that life and the lifestyle we know is very fragile.
Blessings to you,
the PTSD Widow
Monday, March 21, 2011
Redefining ME...
PTSD is a brutal illness. It takes its' toll on every member of the immediate family and all the relationships within te family are affected by it. If we are not careful, we can fall into the tap of allowing PTSD to define who we are. We may not have a choice as to when and how PTSD manifests itself, but we do have a choice in how we deal with the symptoms.
At coffee this morning, my friend and I were discussing our identities, and I had a revelation. I am determined not to let PTSD defne who I am.
While my husband was in the military, my identity was attached to his rank and him in general. "Oh, she's Sergeant So-and-so's wife." Then when I was pregnant with the boys it was, "Oh there's that pregnant lady--the one with the twins." After the twins were born I magically transformed into the "Twins' mother" or the "mother of the twins." I'm not exactly sure at which point I lost my identity completely or if I ever really lost it. So, now it is time to redefine me.
There is a danger for the spouses of veteran's who suffer with PTSD to unintentionally allow PTSD to define who they are. The looming temptation to quit living just because your spouse has quit living is the easy way. Spouses must make a conscious effort to continue living in spite of the PTSD cloud that hangs over your home. Don't let PTSD ruin your life. Take charge and enjoy the freedom to live again.
You are stronger than you believe you are. Hang in there,
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
At coffee this morning, my friend and I were discussing our identities, and I had a revelation. I am determined not to let PTSD defne who I am.
While my husband was in the military, my identity was attached to his rank and him in general. "Oh, she's Sergeant So-and-so's wife." Then when I was pregnant with the boys it was, "Oh there's that pregnant lady--the one with the twins." After the twins were born I magically transformed into the "Twins' mother" or the "mother of the twins." I'm not exactly sure at which point I lost my identity completely or if I ever really lost it. So, now it is time to redefine me.
There is a danger for the spouses of veteran's who suffer with PTSD to unintentionally allow PTSD to define who they are. The looming temptation to quit living just because your spouse has quit living is the easy way. Spouses must make a conscious effort to continue living in spite of the PTSD cloud that hangs over your home. Don't let PTSD ruin your life. Take charge and enjoy the freedom to live again.
You are stronger than you believe you are. Hang in there,
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Warrior finds healing: Utah man reaches out to those coping with PTSD - Standard-Examiner
Warrior finds healing: Utah man reaches out to those coping with PTSD - Standard-Examiner
Here is another interesting PTSD article. Thanks to my friends from all over for keeping me informed. Also, check out www.familyofavet.com for helpful resources and additional support.
Here is another interesting PTSD article. Thanks to my friends from all over for keeping me informed. Also, check out www.familyofavet.com for helpful resources and additional support.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Tie a Knot...(and other thoughts)
It just dawned on me that I didn't blog about how my nightmare ended the other night. My husband came home around 11 a.m. that morning. He claimed he had been driving around, but I think there is more to the story. He probably fell asleep somewhere on the way home, and didn't want to worry me.
A good friend once told me, "Sissy, when you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot. It's easier to hang onto a knot." I have hung onto those words of wisdom so many different times. But, then there are the times that I think my rope is too short and already has too many knots. I get discouraged, but I really don't have much time to spend acting like a poster-child for discouragement and despair.
Okay, so what's the deal with Secondary PTSD? Is it PTSD or isn't it? I was "diagnosed" with Secondary PTSD today, but other people I have talked to say it doesn't exist. I don't know, but I'm going to find out. When I learn as much as I can about Secondary PTSD, I'll write a very thorough blog. Until then,
Blessings to you all,
The PTSD Widow
A good friend once told me, "Sissy, when you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot. It's easier to hang onto a knot." I have hung onto those words of wisdom so many different times. But, then there are the times that I think my rope is too short and already has too many knots. I get discouraged, but I really don't have much time to spend acting like a poster-child for discouragement and despair.
Okay, so what's the deal with Secondary PTSD? Is it PTSD or isn't it? I was "diagnosed" with Secondary PTSD today, but other people I have talked to say it doesn't exist. I don't know, but I'm going to find out. When I learn as much as I can about Secondary PTSD, I'll write a very thorough blog. Until then,
Blessings to you all,
The PTSD Widow
Saturday, March 12, 2011
He's Gone
2:30 a.m. came awfully early this morning. I woke up to let the dogs out and my husband was gone. I've tried and tried to call my husband, but he hasn't answered his phone. Now the phone goes directly to voice mail. It's after 8:00 a.m. and I'm worried sick.
I've tried to remain calm, but this is ridiculous. It's light out now, and I have no idea as to the whereabouts of my husband. Is he driving somewhere? Did he fall asleep in a parking lot or at the side of the road? Is he hurt? I pray that he will come home and is not somewhere in a hospital. I am worried sick at this point.
The agreement has been that he'll at least return my call within a reasonable time period, so there's got to be a good reason he hasn't called. I really hope he is not hurt. Honestly, I'm beside myself with worry. What do I do?
There's nothing I can do at this point--at least not until I hear something from him. I keep hoping the phone will ring or something. It's been a long time since I've been so worried!Should I call the hospitals? Should I call the police?
He disappeared like this once before and told me he was at a monastery for three days. I just don't know what to believe anymore. I'm scared and worried.
I've tried to remain calm, but this is ridiculous. It's light out now, and I have no idea as to the whereabouts of my husband. Is he driving somewhere? Did he fall asleep in a parking lot or at the side of the road? Is he hurt? I pray that he will come home and is not somewhere in a hospital. I am worried sick at this point.
The agreement has been that he'll at least return my call within a reasonable time period, so there's got to be a good reason he hasn't called. I really hope he is not hurt. Honestly, I'm beside myself with worry. What do I do?
There's nothing I can do at this point--at least not until I hear something from him. I keep hoping the phone will ring or something. It's been a long time since I've been so worried!Should I call the hospitals? Should I call the police?
He disappeared like this once before and told me he was at a monastery for three days. I just don't know what to believe anymore. I'm scared and worried.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Up Too Early
Good Morning! At least I think it's going to be a good morning. It's only 2:45 a.m. and I can't sleep, so it might as well be a good morning. The moon is full in the night sky and the light woke me up from a troubled sleep anyhow. This weekend is going to be busy.
One of my boys went to a nearby Indian reservation to work with the church's youth group at cleaning up the area. The other boy wasn't interested in being away from home this weekend. He'd rather practice his driving and hang out with his friend.
I would like to be able to sleep tonight, but I'm having trouble. For once, my husband is sleeping soundly. I chose to let him sleep since he rarely sleeps at night. The last couple of days has been relatively quiet in our home. I have a hard time with the "quiet before the storm" because I wonder how long it will last and if it's all just about to blow.
Many episodes of PTSD behaviors have conditioned me to be cautious and on my guard. Additionally, I spoke with a reporter and received her article in an e-mail this week. I don't want my husband to read the article because, although she wrote truthfully, she compiled all the tough stuff. I guess I didn't realize the severity of my husband's case, and I don't want that article to be a trigger.
As a result of the article, I've been asked if I'd like to write for another website. I'm seriously considering that possibility, but I'm working on a doctorate and I don't know how much time I'd have to commit. Time is such a precious commodity these days.
I think I'll try to get some more sleep. Between writing this post, playing "Angry Birds" and listening to my ipod, I think I'm ready to go back to sleep.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
One of my boys went to a nearby Indian reservation to work with the church's youth group at cleaning up the area. The other boy wasn't interested in being away from home this weekend. He'd rather practice his driving and hang out with his friend.
I would like to be able to sleep tonight, but I'm having trouble. For once, my husband is sleeping soundly. I chose to let him sleep since he rarely sleeps at night. The last couple of days has been relatively quiet in our home. I have a hard time with the "quiet before the storm" because I wonder how long it will last and if it's all just about to blow.
Many episodes of PTSD behaviors have conditioned me to be cautious and on my guard. Additionally, I spoke with a reporter and received her article in an e-mail this week. I don't want my husband to read the article because, although she wrote truthfully, she compiled all the tough stuff. I guess I didn't realize the severity of my husband's case, and I don't want that article to be a trigger.
As a result of the article, I've been asked if I'd like to write for another website. I'm seriously considering that possibility, but I'm working on a doctorate and I don't know how much time I'd have to commit. Time is such a precious commodity these days.
I think I'll try to get some more sleep. Between writing this post, playing "Angry Birds" and listening to my ipod, I think I'm ready to go back to sleep.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
Monday, February 7, 2011
Super Bowl Weekend
The boys celebrated 15 years on Saturday, and today they both got their driving permits. Where has the time gone? I know, I know. Everyone asks that question when significant life events happen. Tomorrow, they will begin Driver's Ed classes. I can't even believe it.
This weekend has been extremely hard for my husband. We had 11 people at the house because my dad and my sister came up with the family to visit. I had a good time, but my husband was a nervous wreck. He doesn't like all the extras around because he doesn't feel like he has a safe place to which he can run.
Saturday was really fun because I took the girls shopping and then to lunch, and then we made spaghetti to feed everyone. My stove about blew up, but my dad is great at fixing things. He fixed it--no problem. The boys had an airsoft war at a local park and invited their friends to join them. It was an overall really good day. And then, Sunday--Super Bowl party in my living room.
It will take a few days for my husband to recover from the sensory overload and all the extra people. He'll probably sleep a lot. I hope he doesn't blow up and yell. I get so sick of that!
Blessings to you all,
PTSD Widow
This weekend has been extremely hard for my husband. We had 11 people at the house because my dad and my sister came up with the family to visit. I had a good time, but my husband was a nervous wreck. He doesn't like all the extras around because he doesn't feel like he has a safe place to which he can run.
Saturday was really fun because I took the girls shopping and then to lunch, and then we made spaghetti to feed everyone. My stove about blew up, but my dad is great at fixing things. He fixed it--no problem. The boys had an airsoft war at a local park and invited their friends to join them. It was an overall really good day. And then, Sunday--Super Bowl party in my living room.
It will take a few days for my husband to recover from the sensory overload and all the extra people. He'll probably sleep a lot. I hope he doesn't blow up and yell. I get so sick of that!
Blessings to you all,
PTSD Widow
Monday, January 31, 2011
Stigma
The stigma of PTSD lives on. My family has learned not to disclose too much information to people because once they hear PTSD, they treat you differently. Our kids are finally able to make some friends, and hopefully the friendships will last.
We have moved several times, and each time we've moved someone always asks, "What's wrong with him?" First of all, there are too many disabling conditions to list and secondly, it's none of their business. So the reply has been, "He's not doing well," and then maybe we'll add just enough information about the visible physical ailments to quench their curiosity.
Then there are the questions from the family--they believe it's all in his head. You know, the "Man Up," or "Shake it off!" comments--these get to be annoying. Just because PTSD is not a disease you can see does not mean that it's not real and doesn't exist. Believe me, I've tried the denial route, and it didn't last long at all. PTSD is reality in our lives.
Okay, I just needed to vent for a moment. I'm done now and heading back to bed.
Pleasant Dreams,
the PTSD Widow
We have moved several times, and each time we've moved someone always asks, "What's wrong with him?" First of all, there are too many disabling conditions to list and secondly, it's none of their business. So the reply has been, "He's not doing well," and then maybe we'll add just enough information about the visible physical ailments to quench their curiosity.
Then there are the questions from the family--they believe it's all in his head. You know, the "Man Up," or "Shake it off!" comments--these get to be annoying. Just because PTSD is not a disease you can see does not mean that it's not real and doesn't exist. Believe me, I've tried the denial route, and it didn't last long at all. PTSD is reality in our lives.
Okay, I just needed to vent for a moment. I'm done now and heading back to bed.
Pleasant Dreams,
the PTSD Widow
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
I'm over it
Okay, now that some time has gone by, I'm okay with my husband's family having the wrong information and my secret being spilled. It's a done deal, and I'm over it now. Besides it takes too much energy to remain upset over stupid stuff.
The sun is shining today, and it feels like it's going to be a great day! I love how energetic I feel when the sun is out. I think I'll actually leave the house and find something to do. I do have some school work to finish and other household chores, maybe I will work on those for awhile. I actually feel good today! The little aches are nothing compared to the big ones I've had in the past.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
The sun is shining today, and it feels like it's going to be a great day! I love how energetic I feel when the sun is out. I think I'll actually leave the house and find something to do. I do have some school work to finish and other household chores, maybe I will work on those for awhile. I actually feel good today! The little aches are nothing compared to the big ones I've had in the past.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Why is it?
Dear hubby told people in his family something I didn't want made public knowledge and now they not only have the wrong information, they want details. I'm truly upset. I didn't even tell my family what was going on. Guess privacy only matters when it's his secret.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Ungracious
Have you ever had your heart set on something and then been disappointed because it didn't turn out the way you had envisioned? That happened to me last week.
I went to church fully expecting to listen to another dynamic sermon by my pastor to give me a boost for the New Year. To my shock, dismay, horror, and whatever else...he didn't preach! He introduced another pastor. I stopped listening with my heart right then and there. Afterall, what could the inexperienced and very verbose man at the pulpit have to say to me? I took notes on his presentation, but I was just waiting for him to make a mistake. I wrote down things like, "The new word of the the week is 'clearly' rather than 'pragmatic' or 'caveat.' No $10 words this week."
I guess I got tired of nitpicking, so I started to record the positive things he did. "Restated introduction in first conclusion." "Uh-oh! He told us how we were going to pray." I believe I got up and walked out at that point. To begin with, my attitude was rotten! Secondly, nobody is going to tell me how I have to pray. Thirdly, I was tired of nitpicking.
When I went back and read my 'notes,' I realized how very ungracious I had acted. I had to repent for my rotten attitude and toss the critique in the trash. I can only remember the first sermon I sat through in 2011 was about resolutions and Judaism. (I think I wrote something negative about the topic in my 'notes.') I was ungracious. I didn't give the speaker a chance, nor did I let Almighty God intervene and do something divine in my heart that day. I'm sure my attitude blocked any inspiration that would have resulted from actually hearing what was said last Sunday.
In a way, PTSD is this way. It feels like my husband doesn't hear what I say. It feels like his 'rotten attitude' blocks any inspiration that could potentially come from actually hearing what I have to say. Sometimes I feel like he only hears what he wants to hear and begins forming his retort long before I actually finish my thought. I feel like he's constantly critiquing me.
It was good for me to realize what an ungracious attitude looks like so I can be aware the next time it threatens me. I no longer have to allow myself to surrender to such an attitude and miss out on a blessing. I can actually practice being gracious.
Many Blessings,
the PTSD Widow
I went to church fully expecting to listen to another dynamic sermon by my pastor to give me a boost for the New Year. To my shock, dismay, horror, and whatever else...he didn't preach! He introduced another pastor. I stopped listening with my heart right then and there. Afterall, what could the inexperienced and very verbose man at the pulpit have to say to me? I took notes on his presentation, but I was just waiting for him to make a mistake. I wrote down things like, "The new word of the the week is 'clearly' rather than 'pragmatic' or 'caveat.' No $10 words this week."
I guess I got tired of nitpicking, so I started to record the positive things he did. "Restated introduction in first conclusion." "Uh-oh! He told us how we were going to pray." I believe I got up and walked out at that point. To begin with, my attitude was rotten! Secondly, nobody is going to tell me how I have to pray. Thirdly, I was tired of nitpicking.
When I went back and read my 'notes,' I realized how very ungracious I had acted. I had to repent for my rotten attitude and toss the critique in the trash. I can only remember the first sermon I sat through in 2011 was about resolutions and Judaism. (I think I wrote something negative about the topic in my 'notes.') I was ungracious. I didn't give the speaker a chance, nor did I let Almighty God intervene and do something divine in my heart that day. I'm sure my attitude blocked any inspiration that would have resulted from actually hearing what was said last Sunday.
In a way, PTSD is this way. It feels like my husband doesn't hear what I say. It feels like his 'rotten attitude' blocks any inspiration that could potentially come from actually hearing what I have to say. Sometimes I feel like he only hears what he wants to hear and begins forming his retort long before I actually finish my thought. I feel like he's constantly critiquing me.
It was good for me to realize what an ungracious attitude looks like so I can be aware the next time it threatens me. I no longer have to allow myself to surrender to such an attitude and miss out on a blessing. I can actually practice being gracious.
Many Blessings,
the PTSD Widow
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