My husband is gone again. He had an episode tonight over dinner. I know I was the one who set him off this time--and then the boys and I went out for awhile. They needed a change of scenery and the chance to be with their mother. When we came home, my husband was gone. All the lights were off and he was gone. He didn't even bother to leave a note, call and tell me where he was going, or anything. Now--as is the normal--he is not answering his phone or text messages. He makes me so angry!!
I often wonder how much more of this type of life I can handle and why is it that I hang on. In all honesty, I ask myself these kind of questions more often than not.
I'm trying to be happy. I've been trying to do things that I used to do when I was actually happy. I've been losing weight, and I can actually move without too much pain now. I'm trying all these things and I still can't help my husband. Sometimes I get so tired of the excuse of PTSD. Sometimes I feel like that's all it really is--an excuse. In my head, I know better; but in my heart it's an excuse. Oh how I wish he could just get over it. But he can't.
So, I will pray--move on, and tomorrow will be another day. My husband will come home some time, but I don't know when.
Sweet Dreams,
the PTSD Widow
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Keep praying. That is all I can do. My husbands issues got so bad that he moved out and left me and my two children 1 & 3yrs here alone. I'm now forced to fine a job after quitting a great one to move with him again.
ReplyDeleteHe will provide financially but he can not be around us. He can't function. He thinks it's best if he is alone.
This decision has hurt and helped all at the same time. It hurts like hell to feel abandoned and have the kids feel the same. To have my oldest asking questions. Like why did daddy take all our stuff (he only took his stuff and a t.v) but my son feels like he took our stuff and left. He doesn't understand how his dad can just leave. Frankly neither do I.
I know from reading your blog that you are way stronger than I will ever be.
I wish you luck on your journey to happiness. I am just starting mine, its scary but it is my life.
Hi Natalie,
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading my blog. I am all too familiar with the feelings of abandonment (only my husband comes home). You are stronger than you think you are, that's for sure.
Your son may never understand exactly what happened when or why his daddy moved out, and you may never truly understand either. The fact is your value, Natalie, is not based on your husband's actions. You must never fall into the trap of believing the lie that it is.
I can honestly say that I know of a few PTSD couples (still married) who have to live apart otherwise coping is too difficult.(You didn't tell me if a divorce is pending.)I think your husband wants the best for you and the children. Perhaps he believes that by his leaving, the children can have a normal life and a normal upbringing.
As difficult as your situation is, please find an adult friend with whom you can confide, cry, and laugh. You need to be able to express your emotions so your children can have a whole mommy. It's hard not to share too much with your little ones. They sense and understand so much more of what you are going through than you might think. I don't know anything about your level of faith, but for me, if I didn't know Jesus, I wouldn't be very secure at all.
Yes, Natalie, keep praying. I will lift up you and your family in prayer as you begin this new chapter in your life. Once again, your worth is not based on your husband's actions. You ARE stronger than you think, and remember to take care of yourself as well as you take care of your children.
Blessings and Prayers,
the PTSD Widow
Thank you for your kind words.
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