The Next Frontier

Girls are definitely going to be the next frontier in our household. Our teenaged sons are learning how to interact with members of the opposite sex--and even having to ask them to dance. A couple of nights ago, we attended a barn dance and one of the requirements was that the guys ask a girl to dance. My oldest twin learned from the previous dance and immediately asked the girl of his choice to dance before some other guy could ask her. The younger twin asked a girl that he thinks of as his sister to dance. (He only has a twin brother.) My guys had a marvelous time, and they learned some new steps.

My husband is not doing well. He hasn't been out of the house in two or three days. This is not really healthy for him at all. He's beginning to look scruffy even though he's clean. He refuses to shave, and he needs a haircut. I am having a hard time finding foods to feed him that will not upset his stomach. The reason I am awake right now is because he cannot go to bed yet--his stomach is too upset and he will get sick. I hope we are able to learn of a diagnosis and rememdy soon. This is getting really old and trying.

God will make a way for us in the upcoming year. Girls will not be the only thing new in 2010--I am continuing to look for employment. There have been some good prospects, but no one wants to pay a decent wage. I don't know how we can afford to live off of next to nothing--but at some point, something is better than nothing. I'm praying for wisdom, discernment and, most importantly, God's will. I am still looking forward to cleaning house and making room for God's blessings whether they be my blessings or other people's.

Happy New Year!!


the PTSD Widow

Doing Well--

I have to admit I'm proud of myself. Rather than spend another $20.00 I don't really have on a book I'll read only once, I put it on hold at the library. I'll probably be able to check it out before too long. I did that with the last book I read, and I have to say that it was well worth saving the money and bookshelf space.

Books are one of my weaknesses. I'd almost consider them an addiction because I have so many of them I've never even read. I remember buying one just because it looked cool and would make a great decoration. Anyhow, my husband put me on a moratorium from buying books--I have to either get rid of a bunch of them or read through all of them before I buy anymore. I've started to sort them out, but it is hard for me to part with a good book.

Christmas went well. The boys did not complain about not getting their laptop computer. They seemed satisfied with the little that they received. Today they hung out at the mall with a girl--I think I handled that pretty well considering I'm the mom. So far there doesn't seem to be any sibling rivalry between the two of them. That's a good thing. The dad handles that sort of thing even better than I do! That's even better.

I'm doing well. The dad seems to be doing okay. His aches and pains are bothersome, but so far he's not been irritable or angry. The past two days have been pretty quiet for him. I'm hoping that we are on an uphill rise. I'm looking forward to a New Year and renewed energy for both my husband and myself. There are so many things to get done around this property and I need to do more than my part.

Blessings,
the PTSD Widow

Flexible Christmases

This Christmas season has me thinking of Christmases past, present, and future. I can't tell you how many different versions of "A Christmas Carol" I've seen featured on television movies this year! The story lines are all so predictable--it's almost irritating.

Christmases come and go for military families. Many times they are spent miles from loved ones. This is where the term "flexible" comes in handy. A military family has to be flexible--that goes for when to celebrate Christmas and other major holidays. The first Christmas my husband and I had together happened in February because he was out of the country on December 25. I thought it was great!! I got to take advantage of all the after-Christmas sales and put up my tree at the end of January.

Then there was the Christmas when my three-year-old son handed me a wrapped gift from under the tree and said, "Here. It's a ring--it's for you!" I'll never forget the Christmas my husband brought our puppy home. They boys thought his tail was something to pull on. I spent more time protecting the puppy when I should have been taking pictures of the boys!

Today, my boys are teenagers. They are no longer satisfied with Hulk Hands and Matchbox Cars. They want a computer or CDs. Unfortunately, this Christmas will be a lot less than usual. I haven't got a job, and my unemployment ran out three weeks ago. I'm praying they will be satisfied with what we are able to give them this year. I will say that their daddy and I spent a lot of time and thought into choosing their presents this year. We had to--we had a very small budget.

Next year, I hope things will look up financially and we'll be in a better situation. I really want to be able to do more for my kids. Maybe more isn't what it's all about. Maybe more means teaching them to be flexible. Flexible doesn't mean you always go with the flow--it means you make do with what you have and you make the best of the situation.

Christmas Blessings,

the PTSD Widow

Love the Unlovable

Yesterday was difficult for me. I came home from church and immediately the yelling begins. I could do nothing right yesterday. It was a rather quiet day on my part--I tried to keep my thoughts to myself and walk on eggshells. Some days I don't know how I can keep this up--some days I want out so badly.

Today will be better. My husband has some testing at the local VA hospital this morning and we'll soon find out if there is another diagnosis to add to his long list of service-related disabling conditions. I'm not sure how a diagnosis will change things, or even if it will--but I will choose to worry about that later.

My devotional this morning was about loving the unlovable and loving as God loves. This used to be so easy for me, but as I've grown older my heart has toughened. I don't want a tough heart. I want to be able to love again like I used to. Guess I need to get up and do something to show my love for my husband rather than just sticking around and taking his verbal abuse.

So, what will that look like for me? I've decided I need to get rid of junk in my house. I have way too much stuff. Everything that does not work, I need to throw away. The stuff I don't use, I need to give to Goodwill. I just need to clean house. I think that will do us all a world of good. It will show my family that I love them enough to take care of the house that God has gifted us with, and it will show them that I love them enough to keep their space clean.

I'm not pious enough to think that I'm unlovable at times. My attitude gets just as bad, and I start grumping about things too. In addition to cleaning my house, I need to clean out my heart. I'm purposing to become more lovable. I'm going to work on myself throughout this project of loving the unlovable. I've got to start believing that I'm worth loving too. I'll do this by loving and serving my family.

God loves me, so I must be worth something!! You are too.

Blessings,
the PTSD Widow

Gobsmacked

My boys and I learned a new word this morning when we learned that scientists in Australia had discovered an octopus that uses coconut shells for shelter. We learned how to properly use the term "gobsmacked." First, it is imperative to know what the word means--and then it can be properly used. Upon investigating "gobsmacked," we discovered that it is a term used in place of words like 'astounded' or 'awed' or 'astonished.' This scientist was completely "gobsmacked" that an octopus would have the intelligence to use an empty coconut shell as a shelter.

Time will tell if the boys take on my challenge to use "gobsmacked" until it becomes as natural for teenagers to say as "Cool!"

Blessings,

the PTSD widow

Normal

Yesterday I learned that I'm normal (whatever that means). I also learned that secondary PTSD is not an official diagnosis--you either have PTSD or you don't. Here's how it was explained to me--it's like secondhand smoke and cancer. You've got cancer from secondhand smoke, you don't have secondhand cancer. Does that make sense? Needless to say, it was a rather interesting conversation.

My husband slept most of the day away and had another bad evening last night. He stayed in the computer room all evening playing games and listening to the bird scream. He was really distant from the rest of us. When he gets like that, it's hard to enjoy ourselves because we feel a little guilty. He was anxious too! I know what set him off, but it's not right to write about it in this blog. I just pray that he gets better with each day that goes by.

I had wanted to put up the Christmas tree, but the boys and I couldn't decide where to put it. It goes up today for sure! Since I'm normal, I want to get into the Christmas spirit. I'll be honest here--I still have some Christmas decorations up from three Christmases ago. I want to bake and create and listen to Christmas music and get into the whole season of "busy"ness, and I haven't done that.

This year has been one that will go down in my history books as the year of something else! I don't think I've been the same person since I nearly died last spring and lost my job for it. I'm finally feeling better about myself and it's the end of the year already! I can't say that I've done anything significant with my life this year--that's sad. I'd better get a move on because I only have one life, and I want to make it count. I may as well since I'm normal.

Blessings to all,

the PTSD Widow

Security

Do you remember when you were invincible? For me that would have been when I was 22, newlywed, and new to the lifestyle of a military bride. Nothing could have prepared me for the future because I was living it. I was so happy! I had a good-looking husband, a steady paycheck, and hardly any bills. I had a bunch of wives who lived around me in a similar situation, and I had my freedom. I was living.

Nothing could have prepared my for the future--a life of living paycheck to paycheck, a diagnosis of PTSD that would alter what normal looked like, and not only the diagnosis, but also the characteristics and drama of the anxiety disorder. I had no idea that I would face depression and deal with issues that should have only been in the movies. I didn't know that there would be sleepless nights and nights when I'd wake up with my husband about ready to hit me because he'd had a nightmare and was still actively involved in that nightmare. I had no clue that I would have to learn how to talk him down from his anxiety episodes and sometimes be unsuccessful in my attempts to do so. I didn't know.

This may sound horrible and difficult, and I'm not going to lie--it is. However, Through it all I've learned from where my source of strength comes. You see, I had to learn that my security is not in any of my possessions. It's not in my house, my car, my husband, or my boys. My strength is not from my friends, a paycheck or the Army. It cannot come from anything I am able to do or accomplish--because I will ultimately fail. My source of strength and my security is in the Lord, or I am not very secure at all.

We lost everyTHING when my husband was medically retired from the Army. Our income went from comfortable to less than half of that. I went back to school and we were rather forced into bankruptcy. I lost my husband whenever he faced his trauma--the one that he relives on a continual basis. My children are growing up--and my friends have moved away. BUT my God has never failed. He has never left me. He has been my only security through it all. He will continue to prove faithful even when I am lacking. God is my source of strength.

Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow

He's BACK!!

My husband was released from the hospital yesterday. After thirteen days, I'd say it's about time. I was truly becoming frustrated with the slow progress of his care--mostly I blame it on the Thanksgiving holiday. Turns out, the doctor sent him home with pneumonia.

I know he's back because he's grumping at the boys. My poor guys. Seems they can never do anything good enough to meet his standards. I try to remind my husband that the boys are only thirteen and that they are not in the military. They do not deserve the harsh words he speaks to them--and they might even work harder if they had some praise to go along with the criticism. It's the criticism that hurts the most. Both boys know they can do the work their daddy asks them to do, but they both have admitted that they would like to hear a "good job!" or an "I love you!" every once in awhile. I think they are starving for that kind of attention from their daddy.

They are tired of the excuses of PTSD. Our boys are normal boys dealing with an abnormal situation that most thirteen-year-olds do not have to deal with. Try as they do, they have a hard time understanding this whole situation. I'm hoping that we'll be able to find them someone they can talk to--someone who will make them feel like they are normal and someone who will offer them a listening ear and an understanding heart. I don't want the boys to think they are not loved by their daddy, but I can see where they would even begin to think this way. Heaven knows I've felt this about myself a time or two.

I think we just need some education--and that's what we are going to find. In twelve hours, we will be at the VA talking to a social worker there. I'm going to bombard this gentleman with all kinds of questions and see what I can learn and what I can do to ensure that my children and other children in similar situations do not have to be made to feel as if they are less than because their dads have given up so much.

Say a prayer for us...

Blessings to you all,
The PTSD Widow

Lonely Holidays

My boys and I just spent our first Thanksgiving without my husband since his retirement from the service. This time he is not overseas or on some extended deployment, he is in the regional veteran's hospital. Our circumstances this year allowed me to recall the tremendous amount of flexibility we acquired during my husband's military career. I was thankful.

Thankful that my husband will recover and be home before Christmas...
Thankful that I do not have to spend sleepless nights wondering about the fighting overseas...
Thankful I won't be awakened by an early morning call for a urinalysis...
Thankful some higher-ranking NCO will not knock on my door to come inspect my house to make sure my children have a bed to sleep in...
Thankful for the benefits that we enjoy because of my husband's (and the family's) years of not being together for birthdays, anniversaries, and other important events...
Thankful for the many people we were privileged enough to call friends...
Thankful for all the joyous reunions...
Thankful for the different cultures we were privileged to enjoy...
Thankful for the high points and the low points...

My prayers are for those men and women who are lonely this season--May you find something to be thankful for and in that thankfulness find a splash of joy.

Blessings to you all,

the PTSD Widow

PTSD Widow

In all fairness, I must confess my husband is still breathing. He still moves, breathes, and communicates with his family on occasion. However, it feels as if he died. The man I married died a long time ago while serving in the U.S. Army. My husband suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (among other things), and at times I feel like I'm a widow already.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) has redefined normalcy for my family. The fact is, we don't even remember what "normal" is supposed to feel or look like. On any given day, our twin boys are working hard to try to do their best to please their daddy. They rarely earn a smile or a word of praise. Often they will hear how they could have worked more efficiently or done something differently--only to them the words are not constructive. The words are cutting and often yelled in harsh tones. Needless to say, my thirteen-year-olds are learning that this is the way to talk to people. (I'm beginning to believe they have developed Secondary PTSD.) It's very hard to teach my children "normal" social behaviors when they do not have true examples at home.

The purpose of this blog is not so I can vent and explain how terrible my life is--because it's not all terrible. The purpose of this blog is to offer a place to support and encourage spouses of veterans who suffer with PTSD. You are not alone. We are all going through various situations and some of us have been there before.

Some things to know about me: I am a Christian. My relationship with Christ has sustained me and allowed me to stand when I have been at my lowest point in dealing with my husband's illnesses. I homeschool my children. Oh, I have a tendency to be very "bossy" and direct, but whatever I say or tell someone is always, "Take it or leave it." My free advice is only a suggestion because I do not have all the answers, nor do I see everything as clearly as some.

Please feel free to comment and leave your e-mail address if you would like me to respond to you. I will try to update this blog frequently. Some days will be joyful, somedays tearful--This is the way life goes at times.