Ungracious

Have you ever had your heart set on something and then been disappointed because it didn't turn out the way you had envisioned? That happened to me last week.

I went to church fully expecting to listen to another dynamic sermon by my pastor to give me a boost for the New Year. To my shock, dismay, horror, and whatever else...he didn't preach! He introduced another pastor. I stopped listening with my heart right then and there. Afterall, what could the inexperienced and very verbose man at the pulpit have to say to me? I took notes on his presentation, but I was just waiting for him to make a mistake. I wrote down things like, "The new word of the the week is 'clearly' rather than 'pragmatic' or 'caveat.' No $10 words this week."

I guess I got tired of nitpicking, so I started to record the positive things he did. "Restated introduction in first conclusion." "Uh-oh! He told us how we were going to pray." I believe I got up and walked out at that point. To begin with, my attitude was rotten! Secondly, nobody is going to tell me how I have to pray. Thirdly, I was tired of nitpicking.

When I went back and read my 'notes,' I realized how very ungracious I had acted. I had to repent for my rotten attitude and toss the critique in the trash. I can only remember the first sermon I sat through in 2011 was about resolutions and Judaism. (I think I wrote something negative about the topic in my 'notes.') I was ungracious. I didn't give the speaker a chance, nor did I let Almighty God intervene and do something divine in my heart that day. I'm sure my attitude blocked any inspiration that would have resulted from actually hearing what was said last Sunday.

In a way, PTSD is this way. It feels like my husband doesn't hear what I say. It feels like his 'rotten attitude' blocks any inspiration that could potentially come from actually hearing what I have to say. Sometimes I feel like he only hears what he wants to hear and begins forming his retort long before I actually finish my thought. I feel like he's constantly critiquing me.

It was good for me to realize what an ungracious attitude looks like so I can be aware the next time it threatens me. I no longer have to allow myself to surrender to such an attitude and miss out on a blessing. I can actually practice being gracious.

Many Blessings,
the PTSD Widow