PTSD is a brutal illness. It takes its' toll on every member of the immediate family and all the relationships within te family are affected by it. If we are not careful, we can fall into the tap of allowing PTSD to define who we are. We may not have a choice as to when and how PTSD manifests itself, but we do have a choice in how we deal with the symptoms.
At coffee this morning, my friend and I were discussing our identities, and I had a revelation. I am determined not to let PTSD defne who I am.
While my husband was in the military, my identity was attached to his rank and him in general. "Oh, she's Sergeant So-and-so's wife." Then when I was pregnant with the boys it was, "Oh there's that pregnant lady--the one with the twins." After the twins were born I magically transformed into the "Twins' mother" or the "mother of the twins." I'm not exactly sure at which point I lost my identity completely or if I ever really lost it. So, now it is time to redefine me.
There is a danger for the spouses of veteran's who suffer with PTSD to unintentionally allow PTSD to define who they are. The looming temptation to quit living just because your spouse has quit living is the easy way. Spouses must make a conscious effort to continue living in spite of the PTSD cloud that hangs over your home. Don't let PTSD ruin your life. Take charge and enjoy the freedom to live again.
You are stronger than you believe you are. Hang in there,
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
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My husband of 16 months told me he has PTSD, but I didn't think too much about it until we retired. He is totally & completely disabled. He is a laryngectomee & suffers from COPD. We were having what I thought was the normal adjustments the first year of marriage, always making up and learning from the experience, later. The last five months, however, since we have retired, he has been increasingly controlling, angry, depressed, etc. He has compulsively (at great expense) been trying to maintain his energy levels & interests that he had prior to his cancer surgery. He keeps buying and completely outfitting ambulances, then selling them. When I pay normal bills, he becomes enraged complaining that I am spending all 'his' money. If I complain that we are never affectionate, he says I am playing a game & it's "all about me". A man from church came and fixed our air conditioner and now he's forbidding me to go to our church... I just don't know what to do anymore.
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteIt takes a lot of courage to deal with your husband's illness and PTSD. I wish I had some answers for you...I found comfort, strength and encouragement from my relationship with Jesus. Our church family was also very supportive. You say your husband is forbidding you to go to church. Is it possible for you to get involved with a small group from your church? Are you allowed to go meet the girls for coffee? You need some support in your hometown.
You are in the middle of a very difficult situation--and I feel for you. Many of us have faced similar situations dealing with our husbands. Know that you are not alone.
My state's Department of Veteran Affairs offers counseling services to family members of the veteran. Would your husband allow you to visit a counselor if it didn't cost anything? This may be something for you to check out. Also, check out www.familyofavet.com
Another thing I do is write. Many of my posts go unpublished because I only wrote them to express my feelings. It's important for you to have an outlet for expressing your feelings.
I realize the difficult position in which you have found yourself. You have no way of knowing when your husband's PTSD will erupt or what will trigger the eruption. What you can do is fight like a tiger to not allow that eruption to ruin your day or dictate how you are going to feel.
Be confident, Anonymous, that you are doing the best you can for your husband and for yourself. I will gladly add you to my prayer list.
Please let me know how I can support you.
Many Blessings,
the PTSD Widow