I saw the old playhouse this weekend. It was old and torn up, but the memories were as fresh as the paint on the trailer my father had up on the lifts.

That little playhouse was our drive-through fast-food joint. It was the place in which we spent summer nights and played with friends. It was the house we cleaned and rearranged to accommodate our "club" meetings. That little house was the most beautiful place I remember.

Our friends had the latest and greatest dollhouses; Sister and I had a real life-sized dollhouse. We even brought electricity into the house via an extension cord so we could play our cassette tapes. We had picnics on the porch and brought the first wireless phone out there so we'd never miss a thing. We had a place where we had to use our imaginations and have fun.

I'm one of the blessed ones. I can remember things from my childhood. I can remember a lot of things. My husband is unable to recall many things because of PTSD. Of course he and I grew up in opposite areas of the country; but, since the diagnoses of PTSD and TBI he has little recall of childhood memories.

My guess is that my husband's memory is a lot like that old playhouse. At one time, he had all kinds of pleasant memories. Now it's all torn up and dilapidated. Sometimes I wish I could give my husband back some memories--but I know that is impossible. What I can do is help him make pleasant memories with our children. That way the boys will one day look back and fondly remember--even if their daddy can't.

Blessings for you all today,
the PTSD Widow

Faith and Angel Cheeks

A few years ago one of my students gave me a figurine of an angel. This cute little angel is holding onto a wire with the word "faith" hanging from it. Although it must be picked up and turned to see, the angel is seated with its bare rear end exposed. It's called Angel Cheeks. Whenever I need a smile, I look at this angel.

Today, I'm looking at it from an entirely different perspective. Absolutely, there are memories associated with this figurine; however, today I'm looking at how it's hanging onto faith even though it's got parts that are exposed.

There have been times in my life where my faith seems so far away it seems I'm hanging on to it by a wire. Other times my faith is so great and near it seems that I've got it closest to my heart. Faith can be such a generic word. I'm glad I know that my faith is in Christ alone. I never want to have to hang on to faith by a thread, but sometimes a thread is all I've got.

Lord Jesus, help me in the seasons of my life where my faith is not strong enough and some of the personal parts are exposed. Help me when I feel vulnerable. Thank you for never leaving me even when I'm the one who has moved. You see all of me--the quiet and dark places in my heart and mind are exposed in the light of your love, and yet you love me. Your unchanging grace and mercy is so undeserved, and I am so very thankful. I'm thankful that You are the God who SAVES me. I love you, Lord Jesus.

More Thoughts

Ahhh! The quiet of a Saturday morning is refreshing. Alone time in a house filled with activity during so much of the day is nice. I'm sitting at the computer reflecting on God's goodness on this anniversary of three life-changing events.

It's been five years since my uncle passed away and nine or ten years since the World Trade Center was destroyed by terrorists. It's been that long since life as I knew it was changed by a diagnosis of PTSD and a forced medical retirement from the military. So many events have happened since then, I don't even know where to begin. The only thing I can say is that I learned (and am still learning) valuable life lessons during this season.

Thoughts...

It occurred to me just a few minutes ago that I used to love to keep house and do things that would make my husband smile. I kept an immaculate house and always had groceries in the house. I was organized and happy. That was then...

I wish I could go back in time. My kids were happy, I was happy. I want to do what's right for my kids. All I can do is pray for them, because I want them to have a better wife than I am to their father.

Honeymoon's Over

I just got into trouble for not cooking correctly. He's gone for a drive, and now I'm angry. Who would have thought that a recipe on the back of a can of beans could trigger an outburst like that. I thought I was being helpful by cooking dinner.

Today, it rained and the sun barely came out. I guess that means the peace in our PTSD Warzone has ended. It's time for me to step back and take a breath. Lord, we go through this numerous times each month. It's nothing new to be yelled at and belittled, but it hurts so much. All of this head knowledge means nothing because it does little to stop the hurt from unkind words.

Sunshine and Anxiety

The sunshine has been so good for my husband. He feels better, his mood is better and the outbursts have become less frequent. I can't get used to this because I know the winter rains are coming. I still find myself walking on eggshells because I can't be certain that something I say or do won't be a trigger.

My husband has been anxious at night and truly has his days and nights mixed up. It's difficult for me--I can only imagine the havoc this confusion is wreaking on his body! He sleeps much of the time, but when he is awake--he seems good.

For now, I purpose to enjoy this season of relative quiet in our PTSD Warzone.

Blessings,
The PTSD Widow

After the Party

The smoke and debris from last night's celebrations are finally settling and many people are still sleeping. I'm at the computer pondering freedom, independence, and the cost of it all.

Many men lost their lives in battles so that the citizens of the United States of America would be able to enjoy the freedoms outlined in The Bill of Rights. Many men fight to regain the lives they willingly gave up when they raised their right hand and swore or affirmed to defend the people of this great nation. Still numerous men and women in uniform continue to proudly serve our country--some are unaware of what it will cost them.

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder is one of the costs many soldiers will suffer. It's not something that will go away with time. It's not something that will become easier to deal with as the days go by. No. PTSD robs people of the lives they once led. It is a disorder that no one tells you about before you sign on the dotted line because they can't guarantee wether or not it will become one of your tabs. PTSD tears individuals from the inside out and rips apart families.

It's my understanding that many veterans who suffer from PTSD end up divorced--a number of times. Not everyone can handle the ups and downs of PTSD. The sudden and unpredictable outbursts, the harshness of words, the anxiety, and other symptoms are difficult to live with. PTSD sufferers and their spouses have to make a decision every day to commit to their wedding vows. They have to redefine "freedom."

Enough for now--Blessings,
The PTSD Widow