Home Again, Home Again...

My husband drove in freezing fog and icy roads to get us home yesterday. The boys and I slept. I think I was awake for twenty minutes of the entire drive. The fog, snow, ice, and whatnot hurt my eyes so I closed them.

It was interesting how within less than five minutes, my husband was back to his yelling and lecturing the boys. That kind of put a damper on the celebration of getting home safely and preparing the house for a party. Thankfully, he went to sleep and just let us work. It gets really bad listening to his constant criticism. I don't even think he realizes he sounds mean.

I can't believe how this year has just flown by! (I always hated to hear grown ups say this when I was younger.) It seems like January 1st was only a couple of weeks ago, and here it is less than two weeks away! I've been thinking about my new resolution--really giving it some thought. So far I've come up with the biggest resolution of my life, and I've started the process already. Other than that, I won't give away too much information. Most resolutions are relatively pointless. They are short-lived intentions.

Today, I've got to do some grocery shopping, last-minute Christmas shopping, and I'm going to the Nutcracker Ballet with a good friend. I'm so glad we're home!! I didn't realize I was homesick.

Christmas Blessings!!
the PTSD Widow

Apples of Gold

"A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver." Proverbs 25:11

How beautiful to consider our words in this way! I must remember to be more careful with my words so that I don't exacerbate the damage of the unspoken words people hear through other people's actions.

Yesterday was spent finalizing a paper for the completion of my first class on my way to a new professional title. After that, we left for an out-of-town wedding over two mountain passes. My adopted sister is getting married today.

I pray that she and her new husband will consider the words they speak this morning in their wedding vows as treasured jewels to be reconsidered and held onto for the rest of their lives. My adopted sister is very young and will enter this marriage as the newest member of their family--he's got two girls. She will have to quickly learn the power of her words as she takes on the task of raising these girls right at a crucial point in their development.

Enough about the adopted sister!

This morning I woke up to snow and howling winds! It's supposed to snow up to 6 inches today. That scares me, because I really want to get home soon. I wasn't planning on staying here that long. Encountering the snow was the risk we took in order to come to the wedding. I hope I brought enough clothes!

I'd better get ready for the day.

Blessings to you all,

the PTSD Widow

A New Day

"This is the day the LORD has made! I will rejoice and be glad in it." The last time I wrote, I was clearly upset. Truly there wasn't a good reason for me to post my woes on here. Please forgive me.

There was a terrible storm that woke me up in the middle of the night. I thought we were going to lose a tree, our roof, and much more! Thankfully, we stayed dry and warm and the storm moved on. This morning there are lots of downed trees, people are without power, there are roads closed due to water over the roadways and damaged roads, and people are wanting to get to work. It's amazing how much damage a storm can cause.

Emotional storms interrupt our life constantly. We never know when something said or a noise will trigger an outburst. PTSD does not care that we've had a great day so far--it will just blow in like a storm, wreak havoc, and leave. It's tough!

The sad part of PTSD is that we don't know the havoc and damage it causes our children. We must pray for them constantly. God is able to protect their hearts and minds from the damage of PTSD, and He is able to use our children mightily for His purpose.

Blessings,

the PTSD Widow

Lazy

I guess I'm officially lazy. My husband informed me this evening. I don't do enough around the house. I'm not like Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart, so I'm lazy. Sure makes me want to do more...NOT.

I'm not going to complain. I'm too upset to do that. Just know that I'm lazy and it's official.

The PTSD Widow

Waiting....for what?

The husband went for a drive at bedtime. It's now 2:30 in the morning, and he's still not home. He doesn't answer his phone, so that means my imagination is heightened and I can see all the worst-case scenarios. I hate that! I can get really mean and ornery too. I just left a rather nasty voice message because he didn't pick up.

I never sleep very well when he's gone and I don't know where he is, so I've been awake through the night. I can't study because my eyes hurt. I don't know who's more selfish, him or me? Of course I'd rather think of him being the selfish one, but maybe it is me. Honestly, I don't know what it's like to deal with anxiety so strong that I have to run away or "go for a drive" to escape. Maybe I'm the selfish one because I'd rather him stay home and deal with it. On the other hand, he knows I don't sleep when he's gone. I don't know!

I don't even have any words of encouragement at this hour of the day. I'd better just go back to bed and wait for him to come home. Maybe I can sleep until then.

Blessings,
the PTSD Widow

Thanksgiving 2010

Thanksgiving in Phoenix, AZ has been different than any other Thanksgiving I've celebrated in my lifetime. Though I'm told it's 20 degrees cooler than the average, the sunshine and blooming bushes seem surreal. I'm used to cooler Thanksgivings--snow or rain forecasted and a lot of good food. Maybe I wasn't in the mood to eat today. I didn't even have a piece of pie even though it was offered.

Thanksgiving is more than food. It's more about family and fellowship. This is the first Thanksgiving on record we have spent with my husband's family. I don't think anyone took pictures either. No one wanted to play games with me either. I don't understand that. Thanksgiving dinner was always followed by a fun game of some sort and then we had pie. I guess different families have different traditions. I have to let go and let that be okay. Regardless, I'm glad my husband got to spend time with his family for once.

Realistically, today may have been the last Thanksgiving dinner we get to share with my husband's mom. We came down because she had surgery to remove cancer from her bladder. She is doing better, however, she is not well. Her health has deteriorated significantly since I last saw her in July. I want my husband to enjoy time with his family. They do not come to visit us, and we rarely get to Phoenix.

Now I'm sitting in a quiet motel room. I'm supposed to be studying, but the article I want is not available via the internet, and I don't know where to look for it. I guess I'll just sit here and ponder all the reasons I have to be thankful this year.

Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow

November--Already

Wow! It's hard to believe that November is already over half-way gone. I know where the time has gone, so I'm not even going to ask. I've been busy studying, cleaning and driving the boys all over. Life has been too busy!

My husband has been sick, and now that he's getting better, his mother's sick!

Life is so fragile and fickle. Just when you think you've got it together, something happens to throw things for a loop! My only consolation is that God is still God. His love is perfect, and His plan is for so much more than I can imagine. Lately, I've been having to remind myself of God's love because I've been feeling worthless and that I can't do anything right. In my head, I know this is not true, but emotions are not always truthful.

I'm glad my faith does not rest with my emotions. I'm glad God understands my emotions and doesn't play my games. He loves me regardless.

I feel like I am rambling, so I'll close for now.

the PTSD Widow