The husband went for a drive at bedtime. It's now 2:30 in the morning, and he's still not home. He doesn't answer his phone, so that means my imagination is heightened and I can see all the worst-case scenarios. I hate that! I can get really mean and ornery too. I just left a rather nasty voice message because he didn't pick up.
I never sleep very well when he's gone and I don't know where he is, so I've been awake through the night. I can't study because my eyes hurt. I don't know who's more selfish, him or me? Of course I'd rather think of him being the selfish one, but maybe it is me. Honestly, I don't know what it's like to deal with anxiety so strong that I have to run away or "go for a drive" to escape. Maybe I'm the selfish one because I'd rather him stay home and deal with it. On the other hand, he knows I don't sleep when he's gone. I don't know!
I don't even have any words of encouragement at this hour of the day. I'd better just go back to bed and wait for him to come home. Maybe I can sleep until then.
Blessings,
the PTSD Widow
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanksgiving 2010
Thanksgiving in Phoenix, AZ has been different than any other Thanksgiving I've celebrated in my lifetime. Though I'm told it's 20 degrees cooler than the average, the sunshine and blooming bushes seem surreal. I'm used to cooler Thanksgivings--snow or rain forecasted and a lot of good food. Maybe I wasn't in the mood to eat today. I didn't even have a piece of pie even though it was offered.
Thanksgiving is more than food. It's more about family and fellowship. This is the first Thanksgiving on record we have spent with my husband's family. I don't think anyone took pictures either. No one wanted to play games with me either. I don't understand that. Thanksgiving dinner was always followed by a fun game of some sort and then we had pie. I guess different families have different traditions. I have to let go and let that be okay. Regardless, I'm glad my husband got to spend time with his family for once.
Realistically, today may have been the last Thanksgiving dinner we get to share with my husband's mom. We came down because she had surgery to remove cancer from her bladder. She is doing better, however, she is not well. Her health has deteriorated significantly since I last saw her in July. I want my husband to enjoy time with his family. They do not come to visit us, and we rarely get to Phoenix.
Now I'm sitting in a quiet motel room. I'm supposed to be studying, but the article I want is not available via the internet, and I don't know where to look for it. I guess I'll just sit here and ponder all the reasons I have to be thankful this year.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
Thanksgiving is more than food. It's more about family and fellowship. This is the first Thanksgiving on record we have spent with my husband's family. I don't think anyone took pictures either. No one wanted to play games with me either. I don't understand that. Thanksgiving dinner was always followed by a fun game of some sort and then we had pie. I guess different families have different traditions. I have to let go and let that be okay. Regardless, I'm glad my husband got to spend time with his family for once.
Realistically, today may have been the last Thanksgiving dinner we get to share with my husband's mom. We came down because she had surgery to remove cancer from her bladder. She is doing better, however, she is not well. Her health has deteriorated significantly since I last saw her in July. I want my husband to enjoy time with his family. They do not come to visit us, and we rarely get to Phoenix.
Now I'm sitting in a quiet motel room. I'm supposed to be studying, but the article I want is not available via the internet, and I don't know where to look for it. I guess I'll just sit here and ponder all the reasons I have to be thankful this year.
Blessings to you all,
the PTSD Widow
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
November--Already
Wow! It's hard to believe that November is already over half-way gone. I know where the time has gone, so I'm not even going to ask. I've been busy studying, cleaning and driving the boys all over. Life has been too busy!
My husband has been sick, and now that he's getting better, his mother's sick!
Life is so fragile and fickle. Just when you think you've got it together, something happens to throw things for a loop! My only consolation is that God is still God. His love is perfect, and His plan is for so much more than I can imagine. Lately, I've been having to remind myself of God's love because I've been feeling worthless and that I can't do anything right. In my head, I know this is not true, but emotions are not always truthful.
I'm glad my faith does not rest with my emotions. I'm glad God understands my emotions and doesn't play my games. He loves me regardless.
I feel like I am rambling, so I'll close for now.
the PTSD Widow
My husband has been sick, and now that he's getting better, his mother's sick!
Life is so fragile and fickle. Just when you think you've got it together, something happens to throw things for a loop! My only consolation is that God is still God. His love is perfect, and His plan is for so much more than I can imagine. Lately, I've been having to remind myself of God's love because I've been feeling worthless and that I can't do anything right. In my head, I know this is not true, but emotions are not always truthful.
I'm glad my faith does not rest with my emotions. I'm glad God understands my emotions and doesn't play my games. He loves me regardless.
I feel like I am rambling, so I'll close for now.
the PTSD Widow
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Pneumonia...
My husband has been sick with pneumonia for over a week. The boys seem oblivious to this fact, but they don't share a bed with him. Needless to say, I have not been sleeping well. What's new? I never sleep really well; however, this is worse. The constant hacking initially awakens me, and then it prevents me from returning to a deep sleep.
Poor guy! I know my husband hurts, and I know pneumonia is not good. I do feel badly for him, but the less sleep I get, the less tolerant and more snappy I become. So then, instead of having to only deal with pneumonia he's got a cranky (seemingly unsympathetic) wife to deal with as well. I try to let him sleep as much as he will so he doesn't have to deal with me.
There's another facet of this story yet to be told. Our teenagers are very busy! Their lives have not been placed on hold just because their father is ill. This leaves me to be the sole driver. Yesterday, I was up early to get them to a campaign headquarters so they could volunteer to make calls. Five hours later, I returned to pick them up and run them around some more. I came home around 4:30 to spend a few hours at home and take a nap. Then I left at 8:30 to pick them up. Talk about an exhausting day! I'm glad the boys have a social life. It's good for them.
If Hubby had been well, yesterday's driving might have been shared between the two of us. I can say that I studied every chance I could while the boys were running around. I stayed in the car so I could read.
Blessings to you today,
the PTSD Widow
Poor guy! I know my husband hurts, and I know pneumonia is not good. I do feel badly for him, but the less sleep I get, the less tolerant and more snappy I become. So then, instead of having to only deal with pneumonia he's got a cranky (seemingly unsympathetic) wife to deal with as well. I try to let him sleep as much as he will so he doesn't have to deal with me.
There's another facet of this story yet to be told. Our teenagers are very busy! Their lives have not been placed on hold just because their father is ill. This leaves me to be the sole driver. Yesterday, I was up early to get them to a campaign headquarters so they could volunteer to make calls. Five hours later, I returned to pick them up and run them around some more. I came home around 4:30 to spend a few hours at home and take a nap. Then I left at 8:30 to pick them up. Talk about an exhausting day! I'm glad the boys have a social life. It's good for them.
If Hubby had been well, yesterday's driving might have been shared between the two of us. I can say that I studied every chance I could while the boys were running around. I stayed in the car so I could read.
Blessings to you today,
the PTSD Widow
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Beyond the Leaves..
Just in case you haven't heard, I love fall mornings!! The morning fog hides the changing landscape of our yard as more colorful leaves make there way to the ground. The sound of water boiling signals a relaxing cup of tea and time in God's Word. I love fall mornings!!
This morning I slept a little longer than usual. The whole family slept in today. Tuesday evenings take a toll on us all. The boys do not get home until after 9:30, and I always have to unwind before I can sleep. My husband finally fell asleep after 4 this morning. He will be grumpy and exhausted for the remainder of the day. I pray that somehow he is able to rest and relax some today.
My husband gets really anxious when there are changes to the routine. Even with plenty of warning, he becomes anxious and cannot sleep. I don't like to "rock the boat," but I'm tired of putting life on hold because of anxiety. Forget normalcy, we are living an odd sort of "normal." We live around PTSD because it has become the dictator of normal.
I say all this to say that my views of normal have changed over the years. I was thinking about autumn and all the smells, activities and family gatherings coming up. When I was young, I loved family gatherings. The first indication I had that family gatherings change over time was when I went away to college. I met this elderly couple who planned to spend their holidays without any of their kids. Their grown children had married and begun their own traditions. I thought this was odd, but now I understand.
Blessings today as you live through your normal,
the PTSD Widow
This morning I slept a little longer than usual. The whole family slept in today. Tuesday evenings take a toll on us all. The boys do not get home until after 9:30, and I always have to unwind before I can sleep. My husband finally fell asleep after 4 this morning. He will be grumpy and exhausted for the remainder of the day. I pray that somehow he is able to rest and relax some today.
My husband gets really anxious when there are changes to the routine. Even with plenty of warning, he becomes anxious and cannot sleep. I don't like to "rock the boat," but I'm tired of putting life on hold because of anxiety. Forget normalcy, we are living an odd sort of "normal." We live around PTSD because it has become the dictator of normal.
I say all this to say that my views of normal have changed over the years. I was thinking about autumn and all the smells, activities and family gatherings coming up. When I was young, I loved family gatherings. The first indication I had that family gatherings change over time was when I went away to college. I met this elderly couple who planned to spend their holidays without any of their kids. Their grown children had married and begun their own traditions. I thought this was odd, but now I understand.
Blessings today as you live through your normal,
the PTSD Widow
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
October has been one of the most beautiful months of 2010 so far. The cool mornings, sunny days, and longer nights have been a welcome change from the pace of summer. Though my life is about to go into the highest gear ever, I am at peace. I know that God is in control, and that knowledge allows me a genuine peace in my spirit.
We have been studying different worldviews in our Tuesday night Bible studies. It has been really interesting to learn how people in other cultures believe. The ideas that color their worldviews are different from what I've been taught. However, the truth be told, humanity as a whole is in desperate need of the Savior. They all seem to be searching for the same desires, but there is really only one Savior who can fulfill those desires.
On a different note, the husband seems to be doing well, and I feel much better. I've been sitting in the sauna with the weiner dog for twenty minutes or so each morning. It is surprising how much better I move and feel once my muscles have been warmed up. I had to nap yesterday, but the day before I made it all day without a nap. I was so proud of myself!
The husband seems to be managing his PTSD for now. I haven't noticed big differences, but the yelling seems to be less. He seems to be somewhat happy if that's a possibility. I even caught him giggling at himself last night. That was a real first in a super long time!
We have been praying about a couple of possibilities that will result in more changes and adjustments for our family. A call yesterday confirmed that one possibility is more real than I thought. I'm still praying. The husband and I want God's will for our family, and we are trusting Him to open the doors and provide.
I need to get on with my day.
Many Blessings,
the PTSD Widow
We have been studying different worldviews in our Tuesday night Bible studies. It has been really interesting to learn how people in other cultures believe. The ideas that color their worldviews are different from what I've been taught. However, the truth be told, humanity as a whole is in desperate need of the Savior. They all seem to be searching for the same desires, but there is really only one Savior who can fulfill those desires.
On a different note, the husband seems to be doing well, and I feel much better. I've been sitting in the sauna with the weiner dog for twenty minutes or so each morning. It is surprising how much better I move and feel once my muscles have been warmed up. I had to nap yesterday, but the day before I made it all day without a nap. I was so proud of myself!
The husband seems to be managing his PTSD for now. I haven't noticed big differences, but the yelling seems to be less. He seems to be somewhat happy if that's a possibility. I even caught him giggling at himself last night. That was a real first in a super long time!
We have been praying about a couple of possibilities that will result in more changes and adjustments for our family. A call yesterday confirmed that one possibility is more real than I thought. I'm still praying. The husband and I want God's will for our family, and we are trusting Him to open the doors and provide.
I need to get on with my day.
Many Blessings,
the PTSD Widow
Monday, October 11, 2010
Mondays
Our life is about to turn inside out and rush 150 miles an hour. My husband has decided to go back to school, and I'm heading back for a doctorate. In addition to this new avenue, I am still looking for a job and we are still homeschooling the boys.
Today has been an emotional day for me. I learned some disturbing news and my heart is breaking for two of my most favorite people in the world. We live in a fallen world. If I thought there was anyone protected from the snares of Satan, I was wrong. No one is exempt from his harassment and destruction.
The danger is in how we, as humans, deal with Satan's harassment and destruction. In some ways, it seems that facing destruction head on would be easier than watching it come on slowly. What happens to people? Do they grow apart in the same manner in which they fall in love? Sometimes I see Satan hammering away on people and they only become stronger, and other times I see the hammer fall and the people and relationships are destroyed. I can't even pretend to understand it all.
I'm going to close for now. We must go and do the next thing.
Blessings to you all,
The PTSD Widow
Today has been an emotional day for me. I learned some disturbing news and my heart is breaking for two of my most favorite people in the world. We live in a fallen world. If I thought there was anyone protected from the snares of Satan, I was wrong. No one is exempt from his harassment and destruction.
The danger is in how we, as humans, deal with Satan's harassment and destruction. In some ways, it seems that facing destruction head on would be easier than watching it come on slowly. What happens to people? Do they grow apart in the same manner in which they fall in love? Sometimes I see Satan hammering away on people and they only become stronger, and other times I see the hammer fall and the people and relationships are destroyed. I can't even pretend to understand it all.
I'm going to close for now. We must go and do the next thing.
Blessings to you all,
The PTSD Widow
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