Today

Back to the drawing board--I need to find a new job with better pay that is closer to home. We need an income. Can't tell all the details online, but I can tell I'm glad I can sleep in beyond 5 a.m. tomorrow.

This Was in March....(no changes made)

The newness has gone from my new job. I absolutely do not enjoy working and would rather be at home with my husband. (We just had a huge fight!) Even though he's a pain in the butt. I think he's gone right now. I'm done! I'm emotionally spent, and I cannot fill out another application or make time to go through another interview process. I am so sick of being underemployed, underappreciated, under everything else.

My husband called me lazy in so many words. That hurt. He said I don't like to be at home--I don't when he's on his kick. I can't do this anymore. I don't have any energy left for another day.

It's Been Awhile...

Greetings! I've decided that working is hard work! I'm thankful for my husband and my home. Last night I came home to a nice home-cooked meal and a relatively clean house. My boys are wonderful! (Granted--I don't hear the bickering and whatnot that happens before I walk in the door.)

I miss my family. I have to continue looking for higher paying jobs because this wage just isn't enough. The Lord will have to provide for us because I feel like I'm doing a terrible job of it right now. My body is complaining too, but that's another post.

I want to experience the fruit of the Spirit. I want to walk in it. The other night I was considering joy, and I realized that everytime I thought I was joyful it wasn't true joy. I was merely happy. It took a little while, but as circumstances changed and life situations became more difficult to deal with my "joy" began to deflate. A slow leak--I call it. It wasn't joy at all. It was happiness. It was circumstancial.

Joy is permanent. The joy of the Lord is permanent. I want that kind of joy--the kind that cannot be taken from me no matter what I'm facing.

Blessings to you,

the PTSD Widow

Something to Ponder

Wow! I like my new job, but I feel like I'm really moving away from my kids. I'm gone for most of the day, and I have very little energy when I get home. I love my boys and my husband, and I truly miss them.

This is only the end of week one, so my body is adjusting. I hope things will begin to look up--I have to get healthy and fit this year. Hopefully this job will be one of the ways I can be more active. I need to do this so I have more energy for my own children and my husband. I'm too young to act so old!

Oh, and one other thing? I realized that I often have great ideas for other people--such as, "You should do something little for your husband." Or, "Why don't you make them a card?" I've decided to carry a little notebook to write each suggestion I speak and apply it to my own life. Maybe I'll begin to weigh my words, or perhaps my husband and children will benefit from my own advice to people.

Blessings,
the PTSD Widow

New...

A brand new calendar signals a brand new year. A new haircut and a new job begins a new season in our household. I must admit that I am looking forward to 2010. There is so much to accomplish and so many new friends to make. I can't wait!

I am anxious to see how and what God does for us--not that He hasn't already been at work. I can't help but feel that there's something big for me to accomplish in this year. I have to believe that there is a school program waiting for me or something--I have to believe that I am worth something to someone. I have already given up so much. The real lesson is that there is more to be given and that none of it is mine to begin with. I want to believe that God has new lessons for me to learn and new ways for me to grow closer to Him.

To be honest, I'm scared spitless about my husband's health. There's nothing I can do for a man who won't take his medicine as directed by a physician or exercise as he's been encouraged to do. He finally shaved tonight--he claims he forgets to shave. I guess I forget things too.

I'm really tired and emotional tonight, so before I write something that sounds totally off the wall and stupid I should just go to bed.

Happy New Year!
Blessings,

the PTSD Widow

The Next Frontier

Girls are definitely going to be the next frontier in our household. Our teenaged sons are learning how to interact with members of the opposite sex--and even having to ask them to dance. A couple of nights ago, we attended a barn dance and one of the requirements was that the guys ask a girl to dance. My oldest twin learned from the previous dance and immediately asked the girl of his choice to dance before some other guy could ask her. The younger twin asked a girl that he thinks of as his sister to dance. (He only has a twin brother.) My guys had a marvelous time, and they learned some new steps.

My husband is not doing well. He hasn't been out of the house in two or three days. This is not really healthy for him at all. He's beginning to look scruffy even though he's clean. He refuses to shave, and he needs a haircut. I am having a hard time finding foods to feed him that will not upset his stomach. The reason I am awake right now is because he cannot go to bed yet--his stomach is too upset and he will get sick. I hope we are able to learn of a diagnosis and rememdy soon. This is getting really old and trying.

God will make a way for us in the upcoming year. Girls will not be the only thing new in 2010--I am continuing to look for employment. There have been some good prospects, but no one wants to pay a decent wage. I don't know how we can afford to live off of next to nothing--but at some point, something is better than nothing. I'm praying for wisdom, discernment and, most importantly, God's will. I am still looking forward to cleaning house and making room for God's blessings whether they be my blessings or other people's.

Happy New Year!!


the PTSD Widow

Doing Well--

I have to admit I'm proud of myself. Rather than spend another $20.00 I don't really have on a book I'll read only once, I put it on hold at the library. I'll probably be able to check it out before too long. I did that with the last book I read, and I have to say that it was well worth saving the money and bookshelf space.

Books are one of my weaknesses. I'd almost consider them an addiction because I have so many of them I've never even read. I remember buying one just because it looked cool and would make a great decoration. Anyhow, my husband put me on a moratorium from buying books--I have to either get rid of a bunch of them or read through all of them before I buy anymore. I've started to sort them out, but it is hard for me to part with a good book.

Christmas went well. The boys did not complain about not getting their laptop computer. They seemed satisfied with the little that they received. Today they hung out at the mall with a girl--I think I handled that pretty well considering I'm the mom. So far there doesn't seem to be any sibling rivalry between the two of them. That's a good thing. The dad handles that sort of thing even better than I do! That's even better.

I'm doing well. The dad seems to be doing okay. His aches and pains are bothersome, but so far he's not been irritable or angry. The past two days have been pretty quiet for him. I'm hoping that we are on an uphill rise. I'm looking forward to a New Year and renewed energy for both my husband and myself. There are so many things to get done around this property and I need to do more than my part.

Blessings,
the PTSD Widow