My husband has been sick with pneumonia for over a week. The boys seem oblivious to this fact, but they don't share a bed with him. Needless to say, I have not been sleeping well. What's new? I never sleep really well; however, this is worse. The constant hacking initially awakens me, and then it prevents me from returning to a deep sleep.
Poor guy! I know my husband hurts, and I know pneumonia is not good. I do feel badly for him, but the less sleep I get, the less tolerant and more snappy I become. So then, instead of having to only deal with pneumonia he's got a cranky (seemingly unsympathetic) wife to deal with as well. I try to let him sleep as much as he will so he doesn't have to deal with me.
There's another facet of this story yet to be told. Our teenagers are very busy! Their lives have not been placed on hold just because their father is ill. This leaves me to be the sole driver. Yesterday, I was up early to get them to a campaign headquarters so they could volunteer to make calls. Five hours later, I returned to pick them up and run them around some more. I came home around 4:30 to spend a few hours at home and take a nap. Then I left at 8:30 to pick them up. Talk about an exhausting day! I'm glad the boys have a social life. It's good for them.
If Hubby had been well, yesterday's driving might have been shared between the two of us. I can say that I studied every chance I could while the boys were running around. I stayed in the car so I could read.
Blessings to you today,
the PTSD Widow
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Beyond the Leaves..
Just in case you haven't heard, I love fall mornings!! The morning fog hides the changing landscape of our yard as more colorful leaves make there way to the ground. The sound of water boiling signals a relaxing cup of tea and time in God's Word. I love fall mornings!!
This morning I slept a little longer than usual. The whole family slept in today. Tuesday evenings take a toll on us all. The boys do not get home until after 9:30, and I always have to unwind before I can sleep. My husband finally fell asleep after 4 this morning. He will be grumpy and exhausted for the remainder of the day. I pray that somehow he is able to rest and relax some today.
My husband gets really anxious when there are changes to the routine. Even with plenty of warning, he becomes anxious and cannot sleep. I don't like to "rock the boat," but I'm tired of putting life on hold because of anxiety. Forget normalcy, we are living an odd sort of "normal." We live around PTSD because it has become the dictator of normal.
I say all this to say that my views of normal have changed over the years. I was thinking about autumn and all the smells, activities and family gatherings coming up. When I was young, I loved family gatherings. The first indication I had that family gatherings change over time was when I went away to college. I met this elderly couple who planned to spend their holidays without any of their kids. Their grown children had married and begun their own traditions. I thought this was odd, but now I understand.
Blessings today as you live through your normal,
the PTSD Widow
This morning I slept a little longer than usual. The whole family slept in today. Tuesday evenings take a toll on us all. The boys do not get home until after 9:30, and I always have to unwind before I can sleep. My husband finally fell asleep after 4 this morning. He will be grumpy and exhausted for the remainder of the day. I pray that somehow he is able to rest and relax some today.
My husband gets really anxious when there are changes to the routine. Even with plenty of warning, he becomes anxious and cannot sleep. I don't like to "rock the boat," but I'm tired of putting life on hold because of anxiety. Forget normalcy, we are living an odd sort of "normal." We live around PTSD because it has become the dictator of normal.
I say all this to say that my views of normal have changed over the years. I was thinking about autumn and all the smells, activities and family gatherings coming up. When I was young, I loved family gatherings. The first indication I had that family gatherings change over time was when I went away to college. I met this elderly couple who planned to spend their holidays without any of their kids. Their grown children had married and begun their own traditions. I thought this was odd, but now I understand.
Blessings today as you live through your normal,
the PTSD Widow
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
October has been one of the most beautiful months of 2010 so far. The cool mornings, sunny days, and longer nights have been a welcome change from the pace of summer. Though my life is about to go into the highest gear ever, I am at peace. I know that God is in control, and that knowledge allows me a genuine peace in my spirit.
We have been studying different worldviews in our Tuesday night Bible studies. It has been really interesting to learn how people in other cultures believe. The ideas that color their worldviews are different from what I've been taught. However, the truth be told, humanity as a whole is in desperate need of the Savior. They all seem to be searching for the same desires, but there is really only one Savior who can fulfill those desires.
On a different note, the husband seems to be doing well, and I feel much better. I've been sitting in the sauna with the weiner dog for twenty minutes or so each morning. It is surprising how much better I move and feel once my muscles have been warmed up. I had to nap yesterday, but the day before I made it all day without a nap. I was so proud of myself!
The husband seems to be managing his PTSD for now. I haven't noticed big differences, but the yelling seems to be less. He seems to be somewhat happy if that's a possibility. I even caught him giggling at himself last night. That was a real first in a super long time!
We have been praying about a couple of possibilities that will result in more changes and adjustments for our family. A call yesterday confirmed that one possibility is more real than I thought. I'm still praying. The husband and I want God's will for our family, and we are trusting Him to open the doors and provide.
I need to get on with my day.
Many Blessings,
the PTSD Widow
We have been studying different worldviews in our Tuesday night Bible studies. It has been really interesting to learn how people in other cultures believe. The ideas that color their worldviews are different from what I've been taught. However, the truth be told, humanity as a whole is in desperate need of the Savior. They all seem to be searching for the same desires, but there is really only one Savior who can fulfill those desires.
On a different note, the husband seems to be doing well, and I feel much better. I've been sitting in the sauna with the weiner dog for twenty minutes or so each morning. It is surprising how much better I move and feel once my muscles have been warmed up. I had to nap yesterday, but the day before I made it all day without a nap. I was so proud of myself!
The husband seems to be managing his PTSD for now. I haven't noticed big differences, but the yelling seems to be less. He seems to be somewhat happy if that's a possibility. I even caught him giggling at himself last night. That was a real first in a super long time!
We have been praying about a couple of possibilities that will result in more changes and adjustments for our family. A call yesterday confirmed that one possibility is more real than I thought. I'm still praying. The husband and I want God's will for our family, and we are trusting Him to open the doors and provide.
I need to get on with my day.
Many Blessings,
the PTSD Widow
Monday, October 11, 2010
Mondays
Our life is about to turn inside out and rush 150 miles an hour. My husband has decided to go back to school, and I'm heading back for a doctorate. In addition to this new avenue, I am still looking for a job and we are still homeschooling the boys.
Today has been an emotional day for me. I learned some disturbing news and my heart is breaking for two of my most favorite people in the world. We live in a fallen world. If I thought there was anyone protected from the snares of Satan, I was wrong. No one is exempt from his harassment and destruction.
The danger is in how we, as humans, deal with Satan's harassment and destruction. In some ways, it seems that facing destruction head on would be easier than watching it come on slowly. What happens to people? Do they grow apart in the same manner in which they fall in love? Sometimes I see Satan hammering away on people and they only become stronger, and other times I see the hammer fall and the people and relationships are destroyed. I can't even pretend to understand it all.
I'm going to close for now. We must go and do the next thing.
Blessings to you all,
The PTSD Widow
Today has been an emotional day for me. I learned some disturbing news and my heart is breaking for two of my most favorite people in the world. We live in a fallen world. If I thought there was anyone protected from the snares of Satan, I was wrong. No one is exempt from his harassment and destruction.
The danger is in how we, as humans, deal with Satan's harassment and destruction. In some ways, it seems that facing destruction head on would be easier than watching it come on slowly. What happens to people? Do they grow apart in the same manner in which they fall in love? Sometimes I see Satan hammering away on people and they only become stronger, and other times I see the hammer fall and the people and relationships are destroyed. I can't even pretend to understand it all.
I'm going to close for now. We must go and do the next thing.
Blessings to you all,
The PTSD Widow
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Answered Prayers
A question came up last night at church. "Who here has had all their prayers answered?" I raised my hand and let the asker know that all my prayers had indeed been answered. He asked me, "Are you sure?" I nodded my head. Yes, my prayers have been answered. God may not have answered them my way, on my terms; but He has answered my prayers. Admittedly, God's answers are much better than anything I could ever ask for or want.
God will not ignore His children. When we speak to God, He answers. Communication is an important aspect of any intimate relationship. God willingly communicates with His children.
When God seems silent, He's not ignoring the prayers. Perhaps He's giving the pray-er a chance to examine the request and ask a more appropriate question. Have you ever thought that perhaps you were asking the wrong question? When I pray, sometimes I'll get caught up in my "laundry list" of requests. I have to ask myself, "Do I really want what I claim to want? Or, do I want what God wants?" If I really want what I want, I am limiting how God can bless me.
I realized a little while ago that what I really want is God's best for my family and me. I'm only human and to put human limitations on God is asking for heartache in the end. My prayers became more honest after that. "Here's the way I see it, God. [Spill out my 'laundry list'.] More than that, please do what You see fit. I know You have our best interest in mind, and I'm seeking Your best, Lord."
Have all my prayers been answered? Absolutely! In better ways than I could have ever imagined.
Blessings,
the PTSD Widow
God will not ignore His children. When we speak to God, He answers. Communication is an important aspect of any intimate relationship. God willingly communicates with His children.
When God seems silent, He's not ignoring the prayers. Perhaps He's giving the pray-er a chance to examine the request and ask a more appropriate question. Have you ever thought that perhaps you were asking the wrong question? When I pray, sometimes I'll get caught up in my "laundry list" of requests. I have to ask myself, "Do I really want what I claim to want? Or, do I want what God wants?" If I really want what I want, I am limiting how God can bless me.
I realized a little while ago that what I really want is God's best for my family and me. I'm only human and to put human limitations on God is asking for heartache in the end. My prayers became more honest after that. "Here's the way I see it, God. [Spill out my 'laundry list'.] More than that, please do what You see fit. I know You have our best interest in mind, and I'm seeking Your best, Lord."
Have all my prayers been answered? Absolutely! In better ways than I could have ever imagined.
Blessings,
the PTSD Widow
Monday, September 27, 2010
I saw the old playhouse this weekend. It was old and torn up, but the memories were as fresh as the paint on the trailer my father had up on the lifts.
That little playhouse was our drive-through fast-food joint. It was the place in which we spent summer nights and played with friends. It was the house we cleaned and rearranged to accommodate our "club" meetings. That little house was the most beautiful place I remember.
Our friends had the latest and greatest dollhouses; Sister and I had a real life-sized dollhouse. We even brought electricity into the house via an extension cord so we could play our cassette tapes. We had picnics on the porch and brought the first wireless phone out there so we'd never miss a thing. We had a place where we had to use our imaginations and have fun.
I'm one of the blessed ones. I can remember things from my childhood. I can remember a lot of things. My husband is unable to recall many things because of PTSD. Of course he and I grew up in opposite areas of the country; but, since the diagnoses of PTSD and TBI he has little recall of childhood memories.
My guess is that my husband's memory is a lot like that old playhouse. At one time, he had all kinds of pleasant memories. Now it's all torn up and dilapidated. Sometimes I wish I could give my husband back some memories--but I know that is impossible. What I can do is help him make pleasant memories with our children. That way the boys will one day look back and fondly remember--even if their daddy can't.
Blessings for you all today,
the PTSD Widow
That little playhouse was our drive-through fast-food joint. It was the place in which we spent summer nights and played with friends. It was the house we cleaned and rearranged to accommodate our "club" meetings. That little house was the most beautiful place I remember.
Our friends had the latest and greatest dollhouses; Sister and I had a real life-sized dollhouse. We even brought electricity into the house via an extension cord so we could play our cassette tapes. We had picnics on the porch and brought the first wireless phone out there so we'd never miss a thing. We had a place where we had to use our imaginations and have fun.
I'm one of the blessed ones. I can remember things from my childhood. I can remember a lot of things. My husband is unable to recall many things because of PTSD. Of course he and I grew up in opposite areas of the country; but, since the diagnoses of PTSD and TBI he has little recall of childhood memories.
My guess is that my husband's memory is a lot like that old playhouse. At one time, he had all kinds of pleasant memories. Now it's all torn up and dilapidated. Sometimes I wish I could give my husband back some memories--but I know that is impossible. What I can do is help him make pleasant memories with our children. That way the boys will one day look back and fondly remember--even if their daddy can't.
Blessings for you all today,
the PTSD Widow
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Faith and Angel Cheeks
A few years ago one of my students gave me a figurine of an angel. This cute little angel is holding onto a wire with the word "faith" hanging from it. Although it must be picked up and turned to see, the angel is seated with its bare rear end exposed. It's called Angel Cheeks. Whenever I need a smile, I look at this angel.
Today, I'm looking at it from an entirely different perspective. Absolutely, there are memories associated with this figurine; however, today I'm looking at how it's hanging onto faith even though it's got parts that are exposed.
There have been times in my life where my faith seems so far away it seems I'm hanging on to it by a wire. Other times my faith is so great and near it seems that I've got it closest to my heart. Faith can be such a generic word. I'm glad I know that my faith is in Christ alone. I never want to have to hang on to faith by a thread, but sometimes a thread is all I've got.
Lord Jesus, help me in the seasons of my life where my faith is not strong enough and some of the personal parts are exposed. Help me when I feel vulnerable. Thank you for never leaving me even when I'm the one who has moved. You see all of me--the quiet and dark places in my heart and mind are exposed in the light of your love, and yet you love me. Your unchanging grace and mercy is so undeserved, and I am so very thankful. I'm thankful that You are the God who SAVES me. I love you, Lord Jesus.
Today, I'm looking at it from an entirely different perspective. Absolutely, there are memories associated with this figurine; however, today I'm looking at how it's hanging onto faith even though it's got parts that are exposed.
There have been times in my life where my faith seems so far away it seems I'm hanging on to it by a wire. Other times my faith is so great and near it seems that I've got it closest to my heart. Faith can be such a generic word. I'm glad I know that my faith is in Christ alone. I never want to have to hang on to faith by a thread, but sometimes a thread is all I've got.
Lord Jesus, help me in the seasons of my life where my faith is not strong enough and some of the personal parts are exposed. Help me when I feel vulnerable. Thank you for never leaving me even when I'm the one who has moved. You see all of me--the quiet and dark places in my heart and mind are exposed in the light of your love, and yet you love me. Your unchanging grace and mercy is so undeserved, and I am so very thankful. I'm thankful that You are the God who SAVES me. I love you, Lord Jesus.
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